Dear Joshua,

I wrote to you about a year ago and you gave me invaluable advice, thank you. At the time, my husband of 12 years was having a two year midlife crisis – behaving badly and texting and having an emotional affair with our neighbour. My 5 kids and I were very upset, but we struggled on. I read several books on the midlife crisis and decided to hang in there, get on with our lives as best we could, and not take his awful insults personally. Things got better and over the last year he really seems a lot happier and things seemed better. I started to trust him again.

Then, out of the blue, he took some clients out for “lunch” in london. He said he would be back by 10 pm, but he never came home until the next day. He came back drunk at midday, he had spent over 4.5k in one night! He said he stayed with a friend then changed his story and said he had been at a strip joint till 6 am that morning then gone to have some coffees to sober up. I don’t believe him – in his receipts was a taxi that morning back to the train station from a hotel. Need I say more?

I truly don’t know what to do. I still love him I think, but its wearing thin. I have no idea why he does this to us. I am great-looking, hard working, and we have a fab life. The kids are lovely and he is very successful (but often angry). Please, please advise me. He now wants to move nearer work. We will have to leave the house that took me 10 years to build. What do I do? Should we move? Am lost what to do. Please help me.

Thank you so very much 🙂
Jane

Dear Jane,

There are two possible approaches to life; one of control and one of allowing. Most people are taught to follow the approach of control. In that approach, you seek to control the conditions around you and the behavior of others. As long as the conditions are good and the people are behaving as you think they “should” you feel good and you might even express your love. If the conditions are not what you like, you will perceive fear and feel bad. You will try to fix the conditions so that you can feel good again. If the people you “love” behave in a way that causes you to feel fear, you will remove your love, which is a control mechanism. You will ask them to be different than they are because that will allow you to feel good. In this approach to life, you truly have no control and you become a victim to the conditions and the behaviors of others. This approach does not align with the laws of the universe. It simply cannot work.

The other approach to life is one of allowing. In this approach, you control your thoughts and your own personal perspective. You allow the conditions to be as they are. You allow others to be as they are. You express your love unconditionally. That means you do not allow fear to cause you to lose your alignment with your inner self.

Your perspective now is somewhat limited because you do not have all the information. Your inner self has all the information. Your inner self understands how to get you to the place where all of your desires manifest. Your inner self is not fooled by the illusion of danger caused by irrational fear. Your inner self maintains the higher perspective. If you can keep your perspective as high as your inner self, you will never again perceive fear.

You believe that the actions of your husband are wrong. His actions cause you to feel fear. The fear is that he does not love you, might leave you, might change your life, might make your life bad, or might create chaos and difficulty for the children. If that happens, then bad things will result. This is an irrational fear. Your husband has no ability to create in your reality. You are simply taking a limited perspective because this irrational fear has caused you to perceive danger. The danger is not real. It is an illusion.

The only reason you feel fear is because you are so used to maintaining control and now you feel like you have no control. But you never had any control to begin with. You were fooling yourself and this allowed you to feel okay. You never felt really good, because while living under the illusion of control, you always had to worry about losing control or about things just happening that were beyond your control. In this old approach to life, you can never feel really good.

There is nothing to fear. If your husband behaves badly in your opinion, it has nothing to do with you. He doesn’t behave well because you are a good person. He doesn’t behave badly because you’re a bad person. His actions are separate from you. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t mean he loves you or doesn’t love you. His capacity for love is extremely limited because he is living by the old approach to life. In that approach, he must control himself and be someone he is not so that he can receive the approval and acceptance of other people. Who he is being is completely inauthentic because he is trying to fit within this rigid model of a successful life. He can only do it for so long and the pressure and stress of being inauthentic is getting to him. There’s nothing much he can do now other than adopt a new approach to life or make some other drastic change. If he doesn’t change he will continue to live this inauthentic life and will struggle with that until he snaps again. But he will never be happy by continuing on this path and if you choose to force him to remain on that path, it will tear him apart.

A midlife crisis occurs when one comes to realize that they have been living inauthentically their entire life. They are not living as who they truly are, but as a version of them that is conforming to some ideal society feels is appropriate. The wear and tear of an inauthentic life takes its toll on the person and they seek to escape that inauthenticity. However, most do not see an easy escape. They fear the loss of what they have created. If they choose to abandon their inauthentic life, they perceive the loss of all they treasure and so they find themselves trapped.

You cannot create in the reality of your husband. You create your own reality. You either create in fear by attempting to control the conditions and the people, or you allow the conditions and the people to be as they are. You find the good in all of it. You process your fears and rationally analyze whether you are experiencing a rational fear or an irrational fear. If the fear is irrational, meaning the subject of your fear cannot kill you, then the fear is false and the danger you perceive is an illusion. It is not real.

If you force him to continue his inauthentic life, then things will change and that is okay because they will change for the better. If you allow him to become his authentic self, then things will change and that will be okay too, because things will improve. The key here is how you choose to live amongst the conditions that you have created. It is not about him or even the children. It’s only ever about you. You are the center of your universe. You create your reality. You create the reality you prefer by letting things be as they are and by not trying to control them. That old approach of control will never work. You must maintain your alignment by seeing the bigger picture and choosing the higher perspective. You must ease off the brakes and let the car coast. You can only let it all be as it will be and find your balance within that by actively processing your fears.

Nothing wrong is happening. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. He is not wrong and neither are you. You can use him as an excuse to feel bad, but that’s never going to help you. You must find a way to feel ease and allow things to be okay as they are. Your resistance added to his resistance is not a healthy way to exist. Ease into a new approach. Read more about the laws of the universe. Understand how everything is happening for you. Think much bigger and look for the higher perspective. How is this all good? How is this working for you?

You are the center of your universe. It is good to think about what you want. You do not want to fix things, because nothing is broken. You do not want to control the conditions, because that desire to control has led you here and that approach to life is over now. The contrast in those conditions has caused you to birth a desire and the result of that desire is finding us and learning about the laws of the universe. You have finally made it to where you always intended to be. Now that you are here, you have the ability to create the life you prefer. That life is created by the universe as it reflects your vibration. You are only in charge of the vibration you offer. If your vibration is full of fear, you will continue to create a fearful life. If your vibration is free from fear, then your reality will finally feel really, really, good. That is what you truly want.

You are loved more than you can imagine by more than you could ever count,
We are Joshua