Hello again! Thank you very much for your help recently. I am dealing with a situation that I find difficult and think that you would be able to shed some light on it. I’ve realised that my mum seeks to keep everyone in the family dependent, ill and incapable so that she can ‘care’ for them by doing things for them that they could and should be doing for themselves. Family members’ lives seem to shrink to house-bound and they have problems with their health, addictions, anger and abuse. My mum gets to be the capable one in this way.
Her self-esteem is so low that this is all she seems to hope for – a life of domestic slavery and martyrdom. She likes to complain about how she is treated, and she holds the belief that there are lots of evil people in the world – but she forgets the physical abuse and emotional neglect she gave to me as a child. She has a lot of denial and doesn’t listen to what I say about the situation, even when I am begging that she changes in order to save my sister’s life (she is alcoholic and has already suffered liver cancer– my mum is the co-alcoholic who makes everything “ok” for her).
My mum’s view of me is that I am incapable, sick, and in need of financial support. None of these are true. She doesn’t believe I know how to do basic things like use a knife or cross a road, and even told me how to go to the toilet recently. I’m 46 and I run a publishing company, but I don’t think she knows what I do – she told me this year that I don’t work (I think she said this because am self-employed). I challenged her view recently by telling her I am very capable and intelligent. At this she got upset and ended the conversation, and the next time she spoke and I said I was busy with my work she snapped at me that she had things to do too, as though I had got too big for my boots by saying something good about myself (needless to say, she was very verbally abusive to me as a child).
After many years of stress and fear around my family (my dad and sister have also been abusive to me) I have come to the conclusion that I would like a break, in order to find out what happens when I am away from these kind of vibrations/expectations. It looks like light to me when I think about it, and I wonder if I can make improvements to my health in this way. Of course I have a lot of fear about cutting off due to the various types of violence and guilt I have received from my family. I have written a letter to my mum where I frankly explain why I am doing it (and in the hope that she will take action to free my sister so that her life can be saved, and also help my niece who is in an abusive situation with them) but am scared to send it as I know she would get very upset, and I fear attacks from my sister. I could do it without saying anything, just cut off, cos I live in another country to them. Or I could just say I need a break and avoid upsetting her. I feel it’s the responsible thing to do, to see what I can be, but obviously it is scary to communicate with them about this. Please can you advise me?
With thanks and lots of love.
You are a vibrational match to everything that currently occupies your version of reality. You are a match to the home you live in, your friends, and your family. You are not only a match to all of these things, but you are also a match to the version of people who show up in your life.
If you were to walk into a store, you would be a match to the version of people you interact with in the store. They are pleasant to you, because they are intending to be pleasant to their customers, and you are pleasant to them because you want people to see you in a certain light even if you might not ever see them again.
When your mother interacts with someone in a store, she is completely different to that person than she is to you. She shows a different side of herself to strangers than she does with you. Why do you think that is? It’s simply because you are a match to a certain version of your mother. Now, having said that, can you be a vibrational match to another, more pleasant version of your mom? Absolutely. You create the version of every person you interact with. It is always the perfect representation of your vibrational signal.
So then, what does this tell you about the quality and tone of your vibrational signal when it comes to your mother and the other members of your family? You are vibrating at a lower level with them than with other people in your life. Why is this? Because you feel lower vibrationally with them and you feel higher vibrationally speaking with your friends.
We can use the term confidence here to describe how you feel with your friends as compared to your family. You are confident with friends and insecure with your family. These are simply habits of being and you can choose to be different although there is so much momentum with your family. But remember, you chose them, you chose the conditions of your childhood and you are forever linked to them. Your relationship with your family is eternal. You all chose this scenario prior to your emergence into this physical reality. Now you must ask yourself why. Why did you choose this? What was the purpose of this whole arrangement? What are you supposed to get out of this? It all seems too difficult. Couldn’t it have been easier?
Before your birth into this life, you set up some intentions for what you would explore this time around. You have experienced many lifetimes and each time you choose to explore a certain aspect of physical reality. Most of your intentions are general in nature with one or more being specific. Because you wanted to experience something more specific, you organized a childhood which would set you on a certain trajectory toward that which you came to explore. Without the childhood you had, you would not have lived the life and experienced the things you did. So, from that perspective, everything worked out as it should.
However, you also intended to experience all of this joyously. You always intended that you would feel good most of the time. You knew there would be contrast and you knew that you would expand as a result of those contrasting experiences, but you also knew you could easily return to feeling good.
This is a feeling reality and the only thing that really matters is how you feel. You are meant to feel good most of the time. You are meant to strive towards feeling good. If you do not feel good, you must work to feel better. If you do not feel good with the association of your family, you must work it out in a way that causes you to feel good about it.
Would cutting off all ties to your family make you feel good? Probably not. Since you are a vibrational match to the version of your family that presents themselves to you, could you alter your vibration enough so that you might encounter another side? It might not be realistic to change your vibration enough so that they would always show you their best sides, but might you be able to shift your vibration so that you see a slightly better version of them? And if you could do that, would you feel better?
The only way you can change the version of your family as it is reflected back to you is by altering your vibration. They cannot and will not change, you must change. You must become an elevated version of yourself first and then you will notice that they are responding differently to you. You must move up the vibrational ladder and stay there a while and what you see in relation to your family will be drastically improved.
Removing yourself from the conditions that you do not like is the traditional approach you normally take, yet it is ineffective. When you judge them to be wrong and you ask them to change, you are avoiding the only thing you can do to change the situation. You must change first.
How do you raise your vibration? You hold yourself to a far greater standard than you have in the past. We will tell you this unconditionally: you are absolutely worthy and completely capable of creating the life you desire in the most magnificent version you can imagine. This is your reality. Everyone is in it for your growth and expansion. It is time for you to hold yourself in high regard. You must see the magnificence that is you. You must love yourself before others will see the magnificence of you. If you continue to think less of yourself, based on events that may have happened long ago, you deny your own value.
Everything will change for you as you start to see your own worth. Your health will improve. Your level of abundance will improve. Your relationships will improve. Your family will improve. It will all get better when you start to appreciate and value yourself more. It is all you. It is all inside you. It is all up to you. You alone hold the key to everything you want.
We are trying to nudge you away from your current approach to life where you believe that outside forces control your fate. We are asking you to accept personal responsibility for every aspect of your life. We know this is a lot to ask, yet we also know you have the intelligence and inner connection to understand our message. We will be happy to discuss this further whenever you are ready. For now start thinking about yourself and allow the others to be as they are. This is your reality, therefore it’s quite appropriate for you to be selfish.
You are loved more than you could imagine.