Hello Joshua,

I’m a girl living in China. I’m suffering these days. I feel others don’t like me. I think the main reason is I try to control everything and everybody.

You see, my boyfriend runs a company of his own, but I always give instructions to the employees because I see the way they are working or the way they treat our clients is not the best way for the company. I try to make everything perfect. I even care about whether the clients are being greeted properly and whether the clients have water to drink when they first come in our office. My boyfriend and others made me realize that I’m a very controlling person.

I feel I’m not good enough and I’m bad person because I let others suffer because of me. Could you please tell me how to change my controlling behavior and thoughts or at least let me feel I can accept others as they are right now?

Fen Wang

Dear Fen Wang,

The fact that you are aware of your controlling nature, and that it is not the most empowering way to live life, is quite an amazing thing and we see that you are much more aware than you might think. The truth is that the idea of control is an illusion caused by fear. Not only is it not possible to control, nor is an effective way to live life, but since it is based in fear, it goes against the laws of the universe. Control is the old approach to life, which is fear-based. The new approach to life is based in love and that is the approach of allowing.

You feel fear and this causes you to try to control your fear by controlling people and conditions that exist in your life. You think that if you could simply control the people, then you would not feel fear. You believe that your clients will think badly of the business if they are not greeted properly and this causes you to feel fear. If they are not greeted properly, then they will speak badly of the business and the business will fail and then your boyfriend will lose all his money and you will starve and then die. Now, is this a rational fear? We don’t believe so. Is your desire to properly greet your clients based in love for them or fear for what might happen? It is based in fear. Therefore your desire to correct the problem is an impulse derived from fear. All fear-based impulses are not aligned with who you really are (a limitless being of love) or what you truly want (to express your love unconditionally, to expand through experience, to promote harmony and goodwill, to experience joy and happiness). When you act out of fear, you take action that does not bring you what you want. It often brings the opposite of what you want as it has in this case.

You have a set of desires. There are some things you think you want and other things you truly want. A lot of things you think you want are based in fear. If you want others to like you and respect you, that is based in fear. If you want security, that is based in fear. You might think you want those things, but you do not. What you truly want is to express your love unconditionally, experience joy and harmony, and to uplift others around you. You want to express your love for other people. You do not need them to like you or love you in return. All you want to do is be who you really are and that is a being of love. That is quite different than who you are being now, isn’t it?

As a being of love, you accept the people and the conditions unconditionally. You are happy when things appear to be going well and happy when things appear to be going wrong. Why are you happy regardless of the conditions? Because you understand that everything that happens is always happening for you. You have faith that the universe knows how to bring you what you truly desire and you allow it all to come to you. You understand that it is not possible for you to know how things will come because your perspective is limited and you do not have all the information. When something happens, you ask “How is the for me?” not “Why is this happening to me?” You know that as long as you remain in a state of allowing and you process your own fears by analyzing them and realizing that they are irrational, rather than trying to control others, then whatever happens will be for your benefit.

We understand that it is your habit to try to control things. But you know that this habit is not an effective or empowering way to live. It just does not work. You will never get what you truly want by controlling the conditions. Who you are is love and by being love, by proving that you are love by accepting others as they are, you will receive everything you want. This is a universe that responds to allowing because when you allow (not control) you receive. When you control, you take. Taking is never better than receiving.

With our love,
We are Joshua