Dear Joshua,

My boyfriend and I have had very different experiences as far as relationships. I’ve been in several more than he has, so sometimes when he says certain things it brings up past traumas and limiting beliefs for me. I know he never means anything in a negative way, and I realize it’s my own issues and baggage that triggers those emotions. How can I move past those emotions and see them for what they are in the moments when I start to feel triggered and in a lower state emotionally?

Thank you,

Dear Sara,

Most humans will use a relationship to prove their own worthiness. They perceive that another’s love means that they are accepted, validated and worthy of love. This feels good, because it seems as if it patches the wholes in one’s own self. So they crave more love and validation from that person. If however, the other person acts in a way that seems to contradict the acceptance they were offering previosusly, then fear and doubt enter the picture. You see the relationship in danger. This means that the love and acceptance you were counting on might not be there in the future. This is an illusion caused by your own lack of worthiness (to whatever degree that is). Since you are relying on your boyfriend to make you feel worthy, when he does not, you feel fear. It is the illusion that you will not receive these feelings of worthiness in the future. You are looking outside yourself for validation and love. This simply cannot work.

Others will love you in the amount you expect them to love you. Ultimately, that depends on how much you love and accept yourself. Certainly, this is a multifaceted and complex idea. However, when you need love from others, you are looking outside yourself for some validation of worthiness. As long as others validate you through the perceived expression of their love, you feel validate, whole and worthy. The person who you perceive loves you depends on how you see yourself in their eyes.

For instance, you might perceive that your parents love you. You give this some credence, but you believe that they are supposed to love you and would love you no matter what you did. Therefore, in a loving family dynamic such as this, you tend not to give too much credit to the love that comes from your parents, and so you seek validation from others, who you perceive have a more objective view of you. However, if you came from a family where you perceived that your parents did not love you, then you would crave validation from those who represented parental relationships. In your case, you look for validation in all of those people outside your family.

If you felt worthy of love from your boyfriend, you could not perceive that he didn’t love you. You would perceive that everything he did was either an expression of love or he was having a bad day. You would not look for signs of love. You would not need him to love you. If he left, you would not consider that to be wrong. You would know that someone else would come along. It’s the need for love from other people that causes you to perceive certain words or actions to mean they do not love you. If you try to coerce them into loving you, it will never work. You must detach your value from the relationship and go inside. You must come to love and accept yourself as you are. If you can do that, you will take the fear out of all your relationships and you will simply express your love. This will feel far more satisfying to you.

You are a being of love. You came here to express your love to yourself, all others and the conditions that exist in the moment. You do not need or want love. Others cannot love you in the way you think they can. They cannot see you for who you truly are. They see whatever they project from the unique perception of their own reality. You do not know the limiting beliefs they hold onto. They do not know your beliefs. What you think they see when they look at you is completely unknown to you and different than how you perceive yourself. If they love you, it is only based on their perception of reality, which is comprised of their set of beliefs. You have no control over their beliefs or perception of reality. You can only control your beliefs and your perspective.

There is a more empowering way to look at relationships. Think thoughts like this:

I am worthy of love, because I am a being of love.
I do not need love, I only need to express my love to others, and especially myself.
This is my reality and I am the center of my universe.
Other people revolve around me and how I perceive their understanding of me is through the lens of my perception of reality.
What they think of me is dictated by how I think of myself.
I am always projecting my relationship to myself in their eyes.
I cannot know what they are thinking.
I do not need them to be different than they are.
I want them to be who they are.
If they can love me, that is up to them.
I do not require love from anyone else other than myself.
I can love and accept myself.
Certainly, I have limiting beliefs about myself and they are triggered from time to time, but that is my doing and is not caused by other people.
I can process my limiting beliefs and see myself from a higher perspective.
No one can validate me other than me.
I have nothing to prove and nothing to do other than maintain my own alignment.
When I am in alignment, I am expressing my love as I intended.
When I am out of alignment, I am existing in a state of fear.
In fear, I perceive the illusion that I am not loved and so I try to change the conditions.
I can stop acting on urges and instead, I can meditate, process my limiting beliefs and regain my alignment on my own.
I do not rely on others to be different than they are for me to feel good.
I create my own reality and I choose how I feel in every moment.
If I feel good, I am in alignment.
If I feel bad, something has triggered a limiting belief.
While it may appear that other people say and do things that cause me to feel bad, I know that the negative emotion is my inner self letting me know that I feel fear and this is due to the existence of a limiting belief.
I can process that belief rather than wishing the conditions were different.
In order for me to be who I truly am, I must process these limiting beliefs.
I will not try to change conditions.
I will not avoid manifestation events.
I will welcome them for they contain information.
I am the creator of my reality.
My creation is the vibration I am offering.
Therefore, I will understand my worthiness, appreciate all others for reflecting that back to me, and start seeing myself from a very high perspective.
I love and accept myself, everyone else, and the conditions as they exist in the moment.

If you can learn to talk to yourself in a more empowering way, you will not be so triggered by anything that is said or occurs in your reality. You will live in ease and power. This is how you intended to live. This is who you really are. You can be this way now.

With our love,
We are Joshua