Dear Joshua,

I have a question that his been bothering me for a long time it’s a limiting belief and it’s complicated so here goes. I hope I can say this clearly. It’s about masturbation and having a climax.

As a good little Catholic girl with a very strict Italian father, I realized I have many limiting beliefs about self-pleasure, which I have tried to desensitize. However, I think I still have them because I have a lot of guilt and fear around this topic so my limiting beliefs are these:

1. Something is wrong with me. I just can’t have a normal climax with my partner, so I’ll just give up.

2. If I let myself go and fantasize about what really turns me on, I feel guilty that it’s sick and bad.

3. If I do fantasize and get turned on, I feel scared I will create the thing that I’m focused on, which I view as negative. I fear that I will attract it into my life and that scares me.

Can you help me sort this out? If I’m focused on things that I feel ashamed of, but turn me on, will I create more of those fear-based lower vibrations? I hope this makes sense. Intellectually, I know that it’s certainly OK to masturbate, but somehow with a partner I find I cannot reach a climax because I can’t seem to relax and trust and fantasize.

Thank you so much. This is something I have been working on and thinking about for a long time and finally I think there’s a way I can look at this and possibly desensitize it so it doesn’t control me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

live, love, laugh..

Dear Donna,

In a fearful world, there is certainly a lot of fear around the idea of pleasure; any pleasure. To many, it feels as if you should not be experiencing pleasure. It seems like only fear and hard work, struggle, pain, and loss are all you are allowed to feel. However, that is not the design of the system. This world was designed to give you great pleasure and you are not only free to engage in any pleasure you choose, but it is actually what you intended prior to your birth. You intended to feel joy and joy is experienced through pleasure.

The design of physical reality has a built-in mechanism of pleasure and pain. If you are hungry, you feel discomfort and pain. When you eat, you feel satisfaction and pleasure. If you eat too much, you feel discomfort again. If you are thirsty, you feel discomfort. When you drink, you feel good. When you are tired, you must sleep and when you sleep well, you feel good. Try holding your breath for a minute. When you allow yourself to breathe again, doesn’t that feel good? If it feels good, then it is good. However, some things that should feel good, that would naturally feel good, feel bad. Why would they feel bad? Why would you feel guilt? Because your perspective on the subject is not in alignment with your inner self’s perspective. That’s the only reason you feel the negative emotion of guilt.

Your inner self is holding onto the perspective that if you align with, will lead you to everything you want. When you adopt a limited perspective on anything, you will feel negative emotion. If you feel guilt for having certain wonderful and perfectly thrilling fantasies, well that proves that your inner self sees nothing wrong whatsoever with whatever it is you are fantasizing about. Your inner self knows every thought and everything you want. If you were going to attract something unwanted through the indulgence in these fantasies, you would not be inspired to receive these fantasies. You would not be a match to them. The fantasies do not have to be manifested into your reality for you to enjoy them. The fantasy is completely different than the manifested reality of the idea. They are two different things.

This is a concept of authenticity and fear. You were influenced to a false and limiting belief about sex. The belief is irrational and false. It is limiting and based in fear. The fear is that you will not be loved or accepted if you were to ask for what you want or behave in an activity that is not considered appropriate. Not only does this pervade your sex life, but other areas of your life as well. Your belief that you must be “good” in order for others to like or love you is a false premise. You do not have to be good, just be authentic. You do not have to behave in a way that others will find appropriate, all you have to do is love and accept others no matter how they behave or what they say.
That’s being authentic.

It is time for you to ask for whatever it is you want in every area of your life. It is time for you to demand it and give up the fear that others will think you are bad or wrong. There is no bad or wrong, there is only that which you personally prefer or not. As you hold on to your judgment of right and wrong, you automatically judge others. Your judgment of others causes you to judge yourself and worry about what other people think of you. When you give up that judgment you will reduce the amount of self-judgment you experience every day of your life.

Your partner loves you, but is also afraid of your judgment. How ironic! You can get everything you want sexually by removing your judgment of what your partner will think of you. You are confined by this idea of judgment. If you fantasize about something, then you are a match to it and it is not sick or wrong. There is no wrong anywhere in the universe and you cannot want anything that is wrong. If you want it, it is right for you. If it gives you pleasure, it is good for you. That is the basic design of physical reality. You are designed to explore that which feels good. If it feels good when you are in a positive emotional state of being, then it is good. If you use it to escape from some condition you do not like, then it is a distraction and an escape. Therefore, think about your emotional state.

If you feel good and want to feel even better, then whatever you fantasize about will add to your well-being. If you feel guilty, then the negative emotion is caused by a fear and the fear limits your perspective. Regain the higher perspective by seeing that it is right and good and then allow yourself to explore it more by fantasizing about it and then by requesting whatever it is that you want without the fear of being judged. It is only the habit of judgment that is holding you back. Accept everyone as they are and you’ll gradually start accepting you just as you are without needing to be anything other than who you are just so people will like you. That’s a game that never works like you think it will. You can be who you really are as soon as you allow everyone else to be who they are free from the limiting effects of judgment.

With our love,
We are Joshua