Dear Joshua,

Since my son left, or transitioned, every month of that day number, 16, I go to the place of the accident and I light candles. So every 16, I try to control my thoughts more than any other day, try to control sad thoughts. I meditate every morning now. I try to do things that I like and be busy, but in the middle of the day.

I bent down to pick up something on the floor, and then the sciatic nerve pain came suddenly and severe and I couldn’t straight back, well I did, but I had a severe pain all day, and today with Advil and resting, the pain is slowly going away. I had this back pain before, but not too often, the last time I think it was maybe 4-5 years ago, before Joey’s transition. I am a kind of person that I don’t like to be sick or with pain, I like being healthy. I like to think "this pain will not defeat me", and I try to not pay attention to the pain. But this time, it hurts, and it makes me angry with myself.

So, does this pain has something to do with the loss of Joey? Or the pain of not having Joey? If this has to do with my "resistance" to things that happened? But I tried to not resist, I try to accept, consciously every day, but maybe it is not enough, right? How can I ever going to accept this as "perfect"?

Thanks and Regards

Dear Valeria,

You are transitioning out of your grief period and into another stage in your life. All pain, all illness is associated with resistance. As you are feeling less grief, which is a good thing, you are resisting your move to a new chapter in your life. You want to hold onto the grief because you believe that the grief links you to your son. This is a false premise. As you know, your grief separates you from your son. The pain is only an indication that you are resisting the move to a better emotional state of being.

Do not fear that by releasing your grief, you will lose connection to Joey. It is the reverse that is absolutely true. Once you release the grief, you will begin to hear and feel messages from your son. He is with you at all times, but you cannot hear him through the cloud of grief that keeps you apart.

Joey will guide you to an important next step in your life. He knows what you really want and he will show you how to get there. He can see a future for you that has purpose and meaning and he wants you to listen for him and he will walk there with you.

Do not worry about the pain, for it will pass as soon as you relax and allow yourself to move to the next level. Your resistance is completely understandable. You can resist as much as you like. You will only encounter more signs that this resistance is not serving you in any way.

Allow yourself to move forward and release any guilt or resentment you feel. Everything is working out for you. You will get to the next level and you will see that it’s a very good place to be.

You are loved more than you could know by more than you can imagine.