Dear Joshua and Beings of the Light!
Before every time I have to see my dad, it feels like one part of me goes into a defense alert state and I can watch how my body builds up stress the days before, until the visit is over. I have had done a lot of journaling and several written and mental fear inventories during the last years and it feels like I pretty much have the intellectual understanding of it.
I know I have chosen him as my dad, that he’s probably been my greatest teacher so far and a big reason to the trajectory I am on today. I know that he has no power over me anymore if I don’t allow him and that I’m no victim. I know that one part of me still wants his approval and love, which is a false belief and that I have to give that to myself instead. I know that what I truly fear, is the negative emotions I will experience when he says something that I find hurtful. I know that if he should say something that I find hurtful, it’s a manifestation event, that it is FOR me and I have the tools to deal with it. I know that it’s very rare he says or does something hurtful these days, instead there have been signs of the opposite, and all the stress I have built up before has been totally wasted.
Nevertheless, it feels like the survival instinct takes over each time and I’m just able to witness what happens. I’m forced to go on the ride with the ego and the body, at the same time as I am aware I am the creator of it all, but not able to do it so much different than last time.
So how do I take this intellectual knowledge to an emotional knowledge and get the body and the 5 year old Pernilla inside me to understand, that we can give up this war and skip the defense alert state when meeting my dad?
I’m just so longing for being as authentic as possible and accepting of both him and me, when meeting him in the future.
You do not have to accept your father. You do not have to love him. You can remain on alert for the rest of his life. It does not really matter. When he transitions to the nonphysical, he will be with you always, in every moment. You cannot lose him. You are eternally connected. When you make your transition to the nonphysical, you will rejoin him. However, he and you will be a little bit different than you are now. You will both lack the fear that is currently present in your relationship.
When he looks at you, he feels fear. He fears that you are not living up to your potential. He feels fear that you are not happy in his presence. He feels fear for the mistakes he perceived he has made in the past. He worries about the future. He has all the fears every father has. He has not processed the limiting beliefs that lie beneath the fear. He has not done the work. Certainly, he sees you and the father-daughter relationship from a higher perspective now and so it is better, but he still feels fear.
The fear shows up as negative emotion for him. It does not feel good. He perceives that you are the cause of his fear and negative emotion. He receives urges to change the conditions and he believes that if he acts on these urges, he will change the condition and feel better. And so he may say something. That’s simply his way of dealing with negative emotion. You hear the words and your own limiting beliefs kick in. It simply means that you cannot become a vibrational match to the life you want until you process these limiting beliefs. Therefore, all of this is for you because you cannot ignore these strong emotions. You must process the limiting beliefs.
You have done the work to reduce the intensity of the limiting beliefs around your relationship with your father. This is the reason he doesn’t say as much any more. It is all about your current perception of reality and has nothing to do with him. It’s about the work you have done this far. Soon, your greatest teacher will be gone. You will then insert some other figure into your life to take that role. The time is right to process as many limiting beliefs as you can. Now is the best time ever for doing that work.
The only reason to do any of this work is to become a vibrational match to the life you prefer. As you do the work, processing limiting beliefs and consciously choosing higher perspectives, you move closer to the authentic version of you that you are to become. As you resist any emotion and discount any manifestation event, because you fear negative emotion, you simply stall your process of elevation. Nothing is wrong with this. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. However, you will always be drawn to that highest version of you and so you will continue to face manifestation events as intense (or more so) as these that occur with your father. So then, you must take it a bit further.
Why are you here? To expand through experience to discover who you truly are. You are a limitless and magnificent being of pure positive love and acceptance. Do you see that clearly? If not, why not? Do you continue to perceive yourself and your abilities from a limited perspective based in fear? If so, you must give up your limitations and become who you truly are. Your father allows you to see your own limitations. Compare how you are with your father compared to how you would be if you knew you were a limitless and magnificent being of pure positive love and acceptance. You would feel different. You would not be triggered. You would fully accept him and yourself as you both are. You would not fear his arrival. You would be calm. You would not fear the manifestation events, you would appreciate them. All your dad is doing is making you aware of the difference between who you are being and who you really are. It is time to step into the magnificence of Pernilla. It is time to live it, be it, trust it and allow it. It is time for you to stop hiding and come forth as your authentic self. It is time to thank your dad for being the wonderful teacher he has been. Without him, you would never have found your way to these teachings and the wonderful life you are living now. You will see that when he transitions to the nonphysical. You might as well believe it fully now and give him a big hug.
With our love,
We are Joshua