Thank you for helping me understand my operating system better. I have a habit of what one of my therapists called collapsing — It is similar to quitting or maybe the same. It’s a whatever with depressive elements. It is my go to in most situations that have any bit of challenge to it. You had referred to my “whatever” as a form of control. I don’t quite get how it is control? It is such a huge habit. Thank you for whatever insights you have on this habit.


Dear Cate,

When you have been exploring victimhood for a long while, you adopt many limiting beliefs and these cause you to perceive the need for control. Sometimes, the control is
obvious and other times the control is more subtle. You are now embarking on a new approach to life. You have learned that you are not a victim, but the creator of your reality. In victimhood, you perceive danger that is not there. This is the illusion. This is the reason you are experiencing negative emotion. Your inner self is guiding you to the true reality and out of the illusion. The exploration of victimhood is a valid and acceptable one. All humans live in victimhood to some extent. However, now that you have explored that enough, you are ready for something new. In order to embrace the new approach to life of love and acceptance, you must dismantle all forms of control.

When you judge someone as wrong, you try to control them in order to feel batter. The judgment of wrong comes from the existence of a limiting belief. You feel negative emotion, because the wrongness of the person is an illusion and the negative emotion is your guidance. If you look to control the other person, you maintain the momentum of your limiting beliefs and they grow stronger. In order to remove the feeling of the negative emotion, you seek some form of control over the subject of your fear. As you are well aware, this approach is not effective.

You might make the other person wrong. This is an obvious form of control. You might blame yourself for your judgment, this is another more subtle form of control. You might wish they were different and this too is control. You might ask them to be different or to apologize. You might leave the room. These are all forms of controlling the conditions. However, the only thing you have control over is your perspective and your own beliefs, Analyze your fears, process your limiting beliefs, and find higher perspectives. This is the only way to move forward in a life of love.

When you become overwhelmed with anything, you are receiving guidance. The guidance is designed to help you find your way out of a limited perspective. The negative emotion associated with overwhelmment feels bad. Since you are used to controlling conditions, you do not process your limiting beliefs, you simply leave the room, so to speak. You shut down. You collapse. You give up. Can you see now that in the face of a situation beyond your control, you control it by collapsing. How else would you control the uncontrollable.

Your exploration of control was a wonderful thing because it brought you to a new level of awareness and you were inspired to find these teachings. That is very good indeed. It served its purpose. But now you understand that not only is control ineffective, it cannot and will never work in a universe designed to bring you everything you need to explore whatever you want to explore. If you are going to explore victimhood, then you must be given an abundance of experiences that prove that you are a victim. How else would you be able to explore this subject so fully? The beauty of this exploration leads you to understand that you lack control. Now that you have come to that understanding, you can move toward the life you intended to live and the true exploration of your authentic self. You can only do that through the complete absence of control.

Control is and always has been an illusion. Control (including self-control) is impossible in an environment designed for allowing. You did not come to receive anything other than that which you desire. However, from a limited perspective, what you desire is also a form of control. If you want someone to love you, what you truly want is to feel worthy. You control your unworthiness by trying to be loved. Obviously, that cannot work, because you are already worthy. The belief that you aren’t is another illusion created from a limited perspective. If you keep trying to control the conditions in order to relieve your unwanted feelings of unworthiness, lack, pain, frustration, etc., you will continue your exploration of who you are not; a victim.

If you want to radically alter your experience of life, you must adopt the new approach. You must come to completely and absolutely accept yourself, everyone else, and the conditions as they exist. You must see yourself as you are now as perfect, the past as perfect and the future as perfect. It is a radical new idea to you, but it is the only way you will ever be able to explore your authentic self. It is the only way to effectively navigate your life. It is the only way to create a reality that will finally feel good to you. You cannot control the moon or the sun or any aspect of the universe, because there is no need to control any of it. Leave that job in the hands of a loving universe designed to bring you everything you truly want as long as you first accept what is.

With our love,
We are Joshua