Joshua,
I'm curious about the way I'm feeling today. Low energy, low motivation, low tolerance for negative emotion. Is this part of the expansion hangover? Or is it related to the two instances where I feel on unsure footing with men? Or, are they both part of the same thing (my limited perspective)?
I find it interesting that yesterday I was feeling like I had it all figured out, like I understood why I've been doing the things I've been doing with the people I've been doing them with, and like I had a glimpse of where it all might lead me.
And now here I am a day later, two of the tables have turned, and and I'm feeling unsure and like I've lost some of my power. I know that's not possible, and I know it's all working out in my favor, and that I cannot lose anyone because we are eternally linked. I know that even though I may have received a glimpse, it is impossible for me to see the whole picture, but I can rest assured that I'm supported and loved and provided for.
I've reminded myself that both of these men are perfect exactly the way they are, and that I'm perfect exactly as I am. I reminded myself that a few people can like me for a long time and a lot of people can like me for a little time, and that it ultimately doesn't matter whether anyone likes me or not because I am inherently good and worthy.
Are these men falling away because I realized today that I actually do want a partner? I thought I didn't because I didn't want to feel limited during this exploratory phase. But I was thinking today how it would be fun to have someone to explore this stuff with.
These men I've been seeing each have pieces of what I ultimately want, and I've been content with appreciating each one for what they have to offer, but it just occurred to me that if I want one man with all of those qualities, then he exists out there somewhere and I'm simply in the process of becoming a match to him. I would love some help with relaxing and allowing that to happen.
I realize this question is all over the place. I trust you have a better idea of what I'm asking than I do, and will be able to answer accordingly.
With love and gratitude,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
There is nothing wrong with feeling low energy and negative emotion every once in a while. You understand that it is all coming from a limited perspective and resistance to what is actually happening. You think you have it figured out, but then the road turns and you're headed in a new direction before you feel ready. You might have been enjoying the path you were on, but now, due to your expansion, you are ready for something more and so the conditions change to reflect that. This perspective will fade away and a new, higher perspective will come to you. Until then, you are allowed to be annoyed for a little while longer.
If you believe that losing these relationships has anything to do with who you are as a person, because you were not good enough or some other equally flawed premise, then your perspective is indeed limited. If you choose to see that this is all part of your progress and expansion toward what you ultimately want, then that is the higher perspective. Which one feels better? That's the right perspective. If it feels better, the perspective is better.
Imagine being on a ride at an amusement park. The illusion is that you are floating in water and you are passing through an elaborate land full of wondrous scenes and fascinating things to look at. It seems like the boat is carrying you slowly forward down a gentle river. Suddenly, the boat veers to the right and unseen doors open and you are taken in a new direction. The boat goes over a waterfall and you are splashed by the water. It is fun, exhilarating, and somewhat unexpected. That was the purpose of the ride. It wasn't supposed to be pleasant, it was supposed to be fun and exciting.
You are interested in having an exciting ride. Sure, you get to do whatever you want to do, but if the ride takes a turn, know that this turn is something you very much want and will lead you to where you very much want to go. If you want to resist it a bit by being sad that the ride did not stay on the course you thought it should, well that is your choice. But it will be a lot more fun if you just go with the unexpected twists and turns while maintaining a state of wonder and curiosity.
We think you've already realized this by now, but isn't it fun to have your own answers confirmed by infinite intelligence!
With Love,
We are Joshua
