Joshua,
Had another fantastic night last night with my gentleman friend. Because of the answers I've been receiving from you, I'm approaching this relationship in a completely different way than any other before it. I've gotten to a place where I am 99% authentic with him and it's being well-received (at least in my perception of his perception).
I can totally see why we've been brought together, and what exactly it is we have to offer each other. For the first time in an interaction with a male, whenever he says something I perceive as wrong, I'm recognizing my negative emotion in the moment, processing why I've attracted a comment like that, finding evidence to the contrary, and reducing my limiting beliefs.
Last night he said something about how the country isn't ready for a woman president because "the last thing this country needs is a ball of estrogen with her finger on the button". I'm laughing now, and I even laughed when he said it because it sounded so absurd to me. Even though I laughed, I felt myself shutting down, I felt like he was wrong for saying that, and I even briefly considered leaving, but within a matter of seconds I was figuring out what part of me believes women can't be trusted (or taken seriously) with positions of power.
I recovered from wanting him to change how he was being, and told him he was right and I apologized. He laughed because he knew exactly what I was doing, and it led into this really awesome conversation about how I processed that comment and his view on women and what limiting beliefs he may be holding about them. So we ended up getting to explore our shit together in a really fun way.
I realize how differently the evening could have gone had I reacted from my initial low emotional state. I could've missed out on a wonderful opportunity for human connection. I could have decided that he crossed a line and that I never wanted to see this guy again, and I would've given up a wonderful teacher who's here to show me my own selfimposed limitations.
The one curious thing about this for me was, after we'd had this conversation and then later connected physically, he went to the bathroom and I started thinking about the way I like to engage physically. I was thinking about how it's okay for me to be how I am, that it doesn't lessen the experience for me or him if I don't orgasm, and then I attracted the idea of telling him "I want you to fuck me like all the women you hate."
I was surprised, and thought "Wow, that's a little bizarre." But the more I thought about it, and recognized that that thought had been given to me, the more it began to make sense. If love and hate are two sides of the same coin, you can elicit the same level of intensity out of either emotion. Plus maybe something along those lines would be really good (and maybe a little weird) therapy for both of us.
Can you explain to me where that thought came from and what it was really about?
With love,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
You've been trying hard all your life to be a good girl and now you are realizing that that aspect of your persona is not necessary. You do not have to defend it anymore. It started from childhood as you were coerced into behaving like a good girl so that you could receive the conditional love of your parents. It's all too common. You behave badly in their view and so they withhold love. You behave properly in their view and so they show their affection. You learn to modify your behavior to get what you want all the time knowing it's just an act. Now you can drop the act and be who you really are.
If you did not care what anyone thought of you, you could be who you really want to be. If you did not require that others show their love and affection for you in order for you to feel good, you could be who you really wanted to be. You could love others without needing them to love you back. You could feel good expressing your love without the need for it to be reciprocated. You would be free. You could be, have, and do anything you wanted. However, you are currently limiting yourself, your freedom, your experience of life by worrying about what anyone else thinks of you. Your need to be loved limits who you can become and what you can experience in this life.
But that's okay. Everyone does the same thing to various degrees. You will notice that the older you get, the less you will care what others think. That's because you will learn that what others think does not and cannot matter. It doesn't help you for them to think you are good. You aren't really getting anything out of it. You will notice that it never has anything to do with you, it's just their unique and individual perception and so you will care a lot less about there opinions. If you could care less now, at a young age, you could create a whole new and much less limiting experience of life. You could move forward at a faster rate. You would manifest what you truly wanted rather than what you deemed appropriate given everyone else's opinion.
When you are inspired with these new thoughts, because you are reaching a new vibration, you might consider pursuing them if it feels exciting, engaging, challenging or fun. You receive these thoughts for a reason. They are there to support your expansion. If you feel good when receiving these thoughts, you might try to move through your fear and see what happens.
Imagine receiving the impulse to do something you want to do but having an irrational fear that someone else may think it's bad or wrong and then doing it anyway. What would happen? If you received the inspiration and you knew you were in a positive emotional state of being, then the inspired action would move you to a new level. It could be a new and higher level of joy. It could be a new and higher level of fun and excitement. It could move you into a manifestation event. Whatever the result, the inspired action would move you to a whole new level of experience. It would be for your highest good. It would be worthwhile in every sense of the word.
You are progressing well little grasshopper.
Joshua
