Joshua,
Can we talk about boundaries? It's a subject I'm still getting clear on...a year ago I literally had to google the words "What are boundaries?" I feel like there's a fine line between allowing other people to be right while still respecting myself and my desires, and a lot of the time I have no idea where that line is.
I've been reading through your conversation with Steve, and something that keeps coming to mind is where you told him:
"But, if you operated from the higher perspective, then wouldn't everyone just walk all over you? Wouldn't you seem weak? Don't you need to stand up for your convictions? Have you ever noticed that being right in these moments doesn't really matter? You could be completely right, but if the other person can't see the situation from your perspective, it doesn't matter anyway. There's nothing to be gained. It's just conflict which does not serve you."
I can understand cognitively what you're getting at there. Later on in that answer you say that our job is to see it from the other person's perspective. But once we see it from their perspective, then what? Must we go along with them and their perspective? What's the best way to deal with a situation where someone else wants something that is in direct conflict with our desire(s)?
I'm doing my best to deal with my ex in a loving way, to continually find the higher perspective. I've been giving myself time to process before reacting, so that I am able to do so from a place of love rather than a place of fear. I've "given in" on a lot of areas where I might not have previously, because in those instances I decided that being right didn't matter. What I don't know how to deal with is that it seems like the more I give, the more he wants to take.
In typing that last sentence, I felt a tightening in my chest, so obviously there's a limiting belief in there. What fears come to mind? "He'll never respect my boundaries." "I have to do everything his way in order to feel safe." "I don't know when it's okay to say no." "It doesn't matter how much I give, he'll always want more." There are a few, just to start... I've come a long way over the past couple months in terms of allowing him to be who he is. I know I can't expect him to change in order for me to feel okay. I guess what I'm asking for here is some clarity on how to know when to stick to my guns and when to let go. What are your thoughts?
Thanks as always for your input.
With love,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
In this One on One conversation with you, we share our perspective so that you may continue to feel good. Feeling good is all that really matters here. This is a feeling reality after all and all you're ever doing is feeling something. Wouldn't it be nice if that feeling was good?
When you think of your ex, you think of so many reasons to feel bad. He is not making you feel bad, you are. You are in control of your thoughts and your perspective. When you choose to see the situation from a perspective that causes you to feel bad, you are creating a future reality that matches that feeling. Is that what you want?
It's as simple as that. When you choose to take on a perspective that causes you to feel bad, you are creating an environment that creates more of that. It creates momentum. We are wanting you to get the momentum going in the other direction; toward what is wanted rather than what is unwanted. Do you see what we mean? You can't change your ex by asking him to be different so that you may feel better. You change him by feeling better and a better-feeling version of your ex will appear in your reality. It is law and it cannot be any other way.
When you set up an emotional boundary, you are saying that you will tolerate his behavior until he crosses the line, so of course he must cross it. What's the use of a boundary unless someone crosses it? If they never crossed it, you would never need it.
You are a limitless being. You have no boundaries unless they are self-imposed. Imagine you are sitting down in a chair reading this letter. You feel contained by your body, but you are not. Imagine the essence of you, that nonphysical part of you who operates within the body but also outside of it. Imagine that nonphysical part of you as it extends beyond your skin. It moves outwards in all directions. It moves beyond the walls of the room you are in. It moves beyond the ceiling and the floor as well. It moves beyond the city you're in. It moves away from the Earth in all directions. It moves into space and it moves past the planets and the stars and the galaxies. It moves to the very edges of the universe and back again in an instant. That is who you really are.
You can choose to allow anything to temporarily cut you off from the feeling and receiving of well-being. It is your choice. Or you can chose to maintain your good feelings by choosing a perspective that allows you to feel better. You can choose to take a look at your irrational fears and prove they are false. You can choose to see the positive aspects and those aspects will get bigger or you can focus all of your attention on what you hate. Which approach will bring you what you want?
In time, you will look back on all of this from the higher perspective. In the future, many years from now, you will not feel so bad about any of it. From that distance, you will see how it all worked out. When you transition to the nonphysical, you will see how everything worked out perfectly and it was all part of the plan. From the higher perspective, you will understand that nothing was wrong in any of it and that the only thing you would have changed about it was how long it took you to adopt the higher perspective. But, of course, you wouldn't change that either.
You are love. You are loved.
Joshua
