Dear Joshua,
I just spent 3 days with my boyfriend (who came to visit). It was lovely, fun and sometimes, frustrating !
I have been used to living alone for 30 years, and he has also - so we are both mature adults (although sometimes we act like 5 year olds, squabbling). My frustration comes from his behavior - and his comes from mine - and at the end of the day, its funny and rather endearing, but I don't want it to get to the point where it is no longer that - just frustrating. And I'm thinking that I create this situation - we co-create this so either we get something out of the bickering or we don't know how to do it any other way... yet.
But the negative emotion comes from underlying fear (for me), so what is the fear? That I will have to say yes to everything to keep the peace (I don't, and he does actually listen when its important) and be "subservient." That it eventually won't work out (that we won't stay together) - but he is the best thing I have ever found, and vice versa, and he doesn't stop me from being me, and I don't stop him from being him and of course we disagree on things and we still adore each other. And if it weren't to work out, it would be a mutual choice.
I'm not used to bickering, but it could also be called having different opinions, sharing and growing and learning together. I forgot about just feeling good and that is something I want to keep going, even more in the presence of people I love ... it's easy when you are on your own - it's the co-creation which gets interesting and where I lose my purpose and connection.
Kate
Dear Kate,
If you were without fear, you would love unconditionally. Unconditional love is unconditional acceptance. Unconditional love is who you really are and who he really is. Anything less than that is simply done out of fear. Lessen the fear and you automatically increase the love. Lessen the fear and you automatically feel better. Strive to feel good and you won't need to bicker, because bickering doesn't feel good.
When you seek to alter another's behavior, you do so in an attempt to make yourself feel good. You do not allow yourself to feel good when someone is not behaving as you would like them to. You feel negative emotion and you believe it is their fault. By now you must know better than that. When you feel negative emotion, it is for one reason and one reason only; you've chosen a thought that is out of alignment with who you are and what you really want. When you feel negative emotion, it's an indication of a limiting belief based in fear. When you feel negative emotion, it's because you've chosen a perspective that conflicts with who you really are. When you feel negative emotion, it's because you've said something or took an action that contradicts with who you really are.
It's not their fault that you feel negative emotion. How you feel is up to you. If you feel good and they say something or take some action and you react in a way that causes you to feel bad, that's on you. It's in your control after all. It has very little to do with the other person, it is really all up to you. You choose your reaction, you choose your thoughts, you choose your perspective, and you choose your beliefs. If you feel bad, you are simply allowing your habit of thought to continue without any analysis whatsoever.
So then, if bickering feels bad, it's because the act of bickering is tied to negative emotion. Now, you can either stop bickering or continue to bicker but realize what you're doing. You're reacting in a way that does not serve you. You want this relationship and you want this man in your life. When you bicker, you are taking action that is in opposition to what you want. Does that make sense? So why then are you choosing to fight? Fear. It is fear that causes you to act in a way that conflicts with all that you want. It's ironic, but the fear will actually be the reason you lose what you want. You fear the loss of the relationship and your fear causes you to take action that may lead to the destruction of what you want. Remove the fear and you stand a much better chance of receiving all that you want.
You cannot change another, ever. You can only change you. By changing yourself, you cause a change in the other. It is the art of non-resistance. By accepting the other unconditionally, the other must conform to what you want. It is a simple law at work. By resisting that which you do not like, by fighting against it, by asking it to be different than it is, you bring your power of focus upon it and it resists change as strongly as you do. All you have to do is change your perspective and everything will work out as you want it to.
The most dangerous game to play is one where you seek to manipulate the behavior of another by acting in a way that will cause them to suffer their own negative emotions. When you seek to control another by being upset or by withholding your love and affection, you cause them great inner pain. They are not equipped to deal with negative emotion as you now are. You understand how negative emotion works and you can find relief easily. They cannot and so they seek your approval so that they can feel better themselves. You understand more about the mechanism of physical reality and you can have empathy for them. Put yourself in their shoes. They are trying to work the system as best they can even though they have no idea what's really going on here. You have the upper hand in all situations. You have the power. You know more. Allow them to be as they are without asking them to change and they will come around.
This is a very interesting situation. You are in the middle of a conversation with us, learning more about the mechanism of physical reality and the laws of the universe, and you are in a romantic relationship. There are certain qualities and conditions that you bring to the relationship and so does he. You however, know more and you get the opportunity to practice what you've learned. You know what negative emotion means. You know the power of feeling good. You know that you cannot change another, you can only change yourself. You get to play with what you know to create the relationship you desire.
So then, how will you create this relationship together? Will you insist that your boyfriend conform to your wishes or will you change your entire approach? Will you wish he was different than he is or will you accept that the Law of Attraction brought you together because he is the perfect manifestation of your desire? If you can trust that he is what you want with warts and all, then you can work on your perspective. You can see that he is perfect as he is. You would not ask him to be any different. You can see that it is not subservience, but non-resistance. You can allow him to be, say and do anything he likes and look at all of it from the stance of complete love and absolute acceptance.
In the beginning, you might not be able to manage your perspective for long periods of time. But, with practice, you might be able to choose the higher perspective for an hour, then a few hours, then an entire day, then a couple of days, then a week, and then a month. One day, you will look at him from the higher perspective and it will last for the rest of your life whether he is with you or not. That's unconditional love and it is within your ability right now.
You are Love
Joshua
