Dear Joshua,
Thank you for great feedback I continue to get.
While the holiday was great, there was the occasional tension I felt toward my mother – who I adore and nonetheless got frustrated with (negative feeling). Its ok – she won't be reading this… lol. I think the fear behind my frustration (which I was a bit to quick to show and react on) was that she is getting older, and more dependent. She hears less well, doesn't really see without glasses, and is more needy for little things (like asking a stranger a question etc), while she used to be (and to a certain extent still is), a strong independent woman (who still jogs by the way).
I don't like seeing her get old and lose her means to function fluidly – it would mean that she might suffer emotionally from this loss; that I might have to take care of her more; The truth might be more along the lines of "she is enjoying herself despite her perceived (and my perceived) issues", (which might not even be issues for her), I can handle this whole process and I'll always be free, no matter what.
After all this work I have done with you, my automatic reaction is still to react, blaming the external rather than looking at the internal (on the spot - afterwards, when the manifestational event has been big enough for me to take notice, I do try to figure out what is going on for me in terms of fears). I did this behavior again today. For some reason I was pissed this morning and would get frustrated with little things even while thinking to myself "If someone were in a good mood and this stuff were happening they wouldn't even notice it because it is so insignificant."
By this afternoon, I was feeling more peaceful, and by early evening I was checking in with my feelings often and reminding myself that nothing is more important than what I'm feeling and what thoughts are being attracted to those feelings - and I had an uplifting emotion. I can go from drama and victim to consciousness and intention in a day (and back again).
Kate
Dear Kate,
We would say that the very fact that you can understand what your emotions are telling you is indeed magnificent progress. This is the key to creating the life you desire. You are feeling negative emotion, analyzing your fears and giving yourself some proof that they are false. This is the work. You are just starting on this path and you are doing remarkably well. In fact, you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for.
In time, with continued practice, you will begin to automatically analyze your negative emotions and the fears and limiting beliefs that give rise to them. You will improve. Your timing will get quicker. Your evidence that they are false will become more compelling. As a result, you will spend less time mired in negative emotion. You will feel good more of the time. Your mood will improve. Those occasions when a bad mood looms over you like a cloud will be fewer and farther between. However, from a place of feeling good, your negative emotions will become more intense.
When you consistently begin to feel good more of the time, you will really notice when you don't feel good. Little things will cause serious negative emotion. You will feel like you are overreacting. You are not. It is supposed to be this way. You are supposed to notice all negative emotion in a very intense way. You've just become numb to your emotions because you were so used to them. When a baby cries because he is hungry, it is due to the intensity of the negative emotion. It is designed to get your attention.
When you want your mother to be different than she is, whether it's what she says to you, how she is feeling, how she is handling life, or her health, you are denying her the path she has chosen. You cannot see how she is creating her reality, but for her it is all okay. You want the conditions to be different and in doing so you feel negative emotion. This is your indication that your perspective is a bit off. See that everything is going well from the higher perspective and you'll begin to feel better. Appreciate all of the good things about your mother as she is now and do not fear the future. All of it is working out exactly as she wants it to. You will see that if you can look at it from a broader perspective.
All is well.
Joshua
