Emma Question #38


Hi Joshua,

I've had a realization lately. When I catch myself thinking negative thoughts about someone, I realise what it is triggered by. It is usually me feeling insecure, perceiving rejection from the person, feeling threatened by the person, or jealousy. So I think negative things about the person to make myself feel better. I'm really glad I have noticed this now and can turn it around.

I have also noticed that if this same person shows me that they in fact do not reject me, my feelings about them swing around and I notice all the things I like about them. So this has made me realise that I don't have to worry about what other people are thinking of me. If they are thinking negative thoughts about me, it is because they feel rejected, threatened, insecure or jealous and want to protect their ego and make themselves feel better. It has nothing to do with me. And I also know if I let them get to know the real me, and come at them from a place of love and acceptance, they will probably end up changing their opinion and liking me anyway! So this idea has given me a bit of relief. Interested to here you expand on this, as always!


Dear Emma,

You are absolutely right. When you think something is wrong, it is due to a fear. When you see someone and have a negative impression of them, it is due to fear. If you can catch yourself and realize that fear has popped up, you can be conscious about how you are feeling and then find proof that the fear is false. Once you've done this, you'll feel better about the person.

If you saw someone and perceived that they were rejecting you, this perception could only arise from some fear presenting itself. The fear of rejection alone could cause you to act differently around this person because you feel that they have some way to create in your reality, which they absolutely do not. If you fear rejection, you really fear the negative emotion that arises as a result of the rejection. The rejection itself is meaningless. It has no possible way of harming you. It is a completely irrational and false fear. You can look at the situation objectively and find proof that the fear is false.

If you were on a sinking ship and you find yourself floating in the water so you swim over to the nearest lifeboat and you felt fear of rejection, then this would be a rational fear. If the people on the lifeboat rejected you, then you could drown and so the fear is rational. However, the fear of rejection that you are talking about has nothing to do with you. It is all about the other person and how they perceive their world. They don't know you, they only perceive you from their unique point of perception, which is incredibly blurry. You have no power over other people's perception of reality, all you can control is your perception of reality.

Imagine living without the fear of rejection (or any other irrational fear). If you could do this, then you could live life as the authentic version of who you really are. That version of you is fully confident because there is nothing to lose. There is no fear of loss. Rejection is an irrational fear and therefore it's false. Learn to think about the fear before you act, judge, or speak and you will evolve into a more confident and authentic version of Emma.

With our love and appreciation for who you are and who you are becoming,
We are Joshua