Allyson Question #61

 

Dear Joshua,

I find it very funny that when I come to write a question which I have pre-designed in my head it seems to answer itself. (You've said I answer my own questions many times and of course I kinda poo-poo'd it.)

I was am going to write about a feeling of anxiety over not having things that need to get done, not having projects that need my attention - and while thinking of the question and how I would describe it to you - I had no idea what it was really about until I came to write. As I addressed this email, the answer came when I wanted to write the 'topic' in on the subject line. Instantly, it was worthiness. But that's not what I was aware of, nor what I thought I was going to discuss. So, I've answered my question in some form. (OK, not funny, actually pleasing :o)

For a couple weeks now I've had a bit of 'vacation' from work. My big client who I adore and love working for on his projects has been on a bit of a break. This could be a good thing. But I've felt so much building of anxiety around not having something to DO. (I'm not worried that the work won't come to me, very confident there.) It's a weird, scary feeling when I walk around the house and think - what should I do now? What's waiting for me to do? Shoot - I have No client work, No volunteer work, nothing that has to have my attention. I'm Not Comfortable. Now, this is a new feeling because typically in the past I have been so (self) over-assigned that I only dreamt about what it would be like to have 'nothing to do' and of course most of us think that's what we want. But now, I'm missing having something to 'have to do'.

Several thoughts: First, Ah Ha - you're experiencing the anxiety around worthiness. If someone doesn't need you to be doing things then you have lost some worthiness. Not True. I know it consciously but I'm thinking that my ego is speaking to me and I'm feeling it physically in the form of anxiety. Feeling very 'off' at different times during the day. Second thought: Well, isn't it interesting how when I moved here - I got so (overly) involved, so needed, so relied upon and became invaluable to many groups - thus building up the ego real nice! And then I burned out and pulled back (also was feeling very felt put-upon/which I did to myself) and now I have very little to do and ... well, who or what is going to fill all that time and need now? One of my own answers is: You've done a good job finding a way to get unbusy so that you have time to work on Self with Joshua. (What are the chances? 100%)

I've read and relaxed myself to death lately. I'm 'tired' of doing nothing. I'm anxious to find my own personal project that drives me. I'm not into returning to my journals (yet) but I am often feeling a panic of sorts - asking myself over and over --What Am I To Do--? What can I do with all my positive words that I love - Art? Gifts? How? What type? When am I going to get started? Why hasn't it hit me over the head? (I've gotten a little pissy about it.)

I am meditating. I'm asking. I listening. And impatiently waiting. Now we are getting ready to leave the house for 2 weeks of car travel. I wanted to have my Special Project with me as we will be up in the mountains with the glorious view and little to do and it's such an inspirational place I want to be Doing my next special project while I'm there. (OK, let go of the need to control it. Let go and if an inspiration comes to you - there will be a way to get what I need to move forward on it while where ever I am....)

How to change from Worthiness in business ... Worthiness in organized planning ... to finding a way to see it all as really OK and not allow my boredom or frustration to disallow inspiration.

With lots of love,
Allyson


Dear Allyson,

Let's explore the reality of physical reality. In reality, what are you ever "doing?" You can only be feeling something. If you are busy, then you can distract yourself from feeling good. If you are feeling good, then what do you want to do? You want to build on that feeling. If you were feeling good, you would receive inspiration that would allow you to move toward more things that build on that good feeling. Being busy, being needed, being relied upon might be distracting, and you might use it as your excuse to feel good, but unless you can feel good doing nothing, you haven't found that place where you actually feel good.

Nothing is more important than how you feel. Why? Because this is a feeling reality and that's all you are ever doing. When you "be" you are feeling. Your natural state is to feel really good. If you feel fear, you do not feel good because the emotion associated with fear (boredom, anxiety, impatience, longing, etc.) is an indication from your inner self that you are not focused on your reality in an empowering, aligned way. You are off somewhere else being confused by the illusion of danger brought on by fear.

Imagine sitting quietly in a chair not doing anything and feeling good. Imagine what feeling good feels like. If you sat in a chair quietly alone in a room, how would you feel now? Would you feel anxious that you should be doing something else or would you feel good? If you do not feel good, then why not? It has to do with fear. Without fear, you would feel good. In fear, you cannot feel good because fear is simply the indication that you are taking a limited perspective on your life in that moment. So then, what are you to do? You must address and process the fear.

You find yourself in a cabin in the mountains with nothing to do but look at the scenery. If you felt good, the scenery would be enough to keep you feeling good. You would attract thoughts of love and appreciation for the beauty and nature that surrounds you. You would receive more and more good-feeling thoughts that resonate with love. If you were without fear, you would be filled with love and the thoughts you attracted would resonate with love.

What is the fear? "If I have nothing to do, it means I am not needed, not necessary and not loved. If I am not loved it means I am unworthy of love. In order to prove my worthiness I must be loved. Therefore I will do things in order to be loved. By constantly doing, I can distract myself from the fear of unworthiness. However, no matter how much I do, I can never prove I'm worthy. I must feel worthy first and then be inspired to take whatever action that is associated with my new feelings of worthiness."

Feeling worthy is something you have to feel on your own. No one can make you feel worthy but you. No outside condition can ever make you feel more worthy than you already feel. Everything that appears in your reality is a reflection of how you already feel about yourself. We would say that you are feeling more worthy these days and this is why you find yourself with less to do. Take this time up in the mountains doing nothing but practice feeling good. Think about feeling good with nothing to do and you will be inspired to do things that add to feeling good.

You are worthy. You are as worthy as any who have ever or will ever live. You cannot be anything less than absolutely worthy. Nothing can make you feel more worthy than you already feel. Don't seek to fill the void, seek to live in the void and see what presents itself. Feel love for yourself just because you are absolutely worthy of that love naturally. You are worthy and so is everyone else. No one is more or less worthy than anyone else. All are equal because all are one.

Practice being still and filled with joy. Practice doing nothing and become filled with appreciation. Practice loving yourself and you will more easily love others. Practice the feeling of being loved and cared for by the universe. This is your reality and you are the center of your own universe. You are creating your own reality and you are doing a marvelous job. As the creator, you are worthy of all you desire. Now, what do you really, truly desire. Feel good first and then contemplate that. It's not what you think you want. It's what you truly want. Think about who you really are and why you came here and the intentions you set prior to your birth. What you truly want will be found in that and it will align with who you really are: a limitless being of pure positive love and acceptance. If you are limitless then you must be worthy. If you are limited, then it's just fear.

With our love,
We are Joshua

Back