Dear Joshua,
What a great call today! It was on target (as usual) and of course stirred up some questions.
The first that comes to mind is about the topic of urges and perhaps addictions or habits. Fillers.
I've been wondering how and why I fill my early evening with a glass of wine - and it was an aha moment - the urge to fill the even slightly negative emotion can and has been 'fixed' with a glass of wine. Even when I don't want it, I get one because what else am I going to do?
So I think this was a huge realization. Even though I did have a glass+ tonight, I was very conscious of it and spoke to myself about it. What I'm wondering is ... OK, it fills the boredom or is the norm of the evening and all that is right and OK. (Taking a sip). But with the knowledge that it's an urge and may be around a negative feeling, how do I address it?
Ya - It's 5. Ya - It's time to hang out with nothing to 'do'. It's ... whatever the thought is. You mentioned that if we could go 7 days without taking part in our habitual urge then we would know what it feels like. What - what feels like? How do we get rid of the social expectations (oh, that's a 'pleaser' comment)? How do we change the negative feeling that causes us to partake in our habit? How do we get rid of the negative feeling that moves us this way?
Thank you!!!
Allyson
Dear Allyson,
There is nothing wrong with a glass of wine or more. There is nothing wrong with anything. You could be talking about heroin or wine or chocolate. It's all the same. It's all a distraction from a negative emotional state. It's all a way of controlling the conditions through the use of a substance outside of you and there's nothing wrong with that. It's effective, it just may not be fully aligned with what you truly want.
If you noticed a mild negative emotional state and you could do something to improve that state, would you choose heroin or a glass of wine? You, personally, would choose the wine. Others would choose the heroin. Now, if you could choose between a mental process that elevated your emotional state or a glass of wine, what would you personally choose? You might choose the glass of wine, and that's okay. However, if you believed that it would be more beneficial and empowering for you personally (not anyone else) to conduct a mental process to elevate your state, then maybe you would do that. The mental process has several benefits: it's free, it's available to you at any time of the day, it contains no calories, and it's socially acceptable. It also perfectly aligns with what you truly want.
The mental process would be available to you if you desired it. If you believed that it would be an awesome tool to possess, you would be led to it. It would manifest in your reality. However, you have no need of it. You have your wine. Until you choose that a mental process would be more beneficial to you than a glass of wine, the wine will always be there in its place. If you decided to find a mental process, then you would put down the wine, and instead be led to the appropriate and effective mental process that would work for you, specifically.
The only unwanted aspect of the wine are the urges associated with it. You have gotten so used to altering your state of being with wine that the body automatically calls for the wine. If you were to change your first glass of wine from 5pm to 6:30pm, you will notice after seven days that you will not have an urge for wine at 5pm anymore. Instead the urge will come at 6:30. It's not the wine you do not want, it's the urge. The urge is the uncomfortable in part because it compels you to take an action you might prefer not to take.
If you had a glass of wine when you are already feeling good with the intention to have even more fun, then you would never develop the urge. The urge can only come as a result of repeated uses to eradicate an unwanted emotional state. It is used to change your state of being, and it is effective, to a degree. But is it aligned with all that you truly want? That's a question only you can answer. It's not an important question. There's always something to be enjoyed in a glass of wine. It's the way that you are choosing to change conditions that we want you to consider. When you seek to change the conditions you do not like, you do so from a lower emotional state and these actions resonate with that state of (mild) fear. These things are generally not aligned with what you truly want.
Try an experiment. For one week, instead of having a glass of wine at 5pm, meditate for 15 minutes. Do this every day for seven days. On the eighth day at 5pm, see if you still feel the urge to have a glass of wine. You might have an urge, but it will be faint and weak. Now see if you have an urge to meditate. You might feel inspired to meditate, but you'll never have an urge to do something that is perfectly aligned with who you really are and what you truly want. Urges can only come as a result of a negative emotional state of being and do not align with what you truly want.
With our love,
We are Joshua
