Dear Joshua,
So my daughter in-law's mother is coming to visit next week. This always brings "stuff" up for me, which means a big growth opportunity I would like to work through. It has nothing to do with her mother ~ we have been friends since our high school/college years ~ we vacationed together as families when the kids were young ~ so that's not the issue. Why then do I have these feelings? Well, when I boil it down, I think it comes down to once again control and what people think of me (primarily my kids and their partners).
You see if for some reason they like her mother better than me, well then that shoots down my self-worth because I think they will choose her over me. I realize I am making all of this up and that I could just as easily make up another story. Logically, I KNOW I am making this up, but emotionally it feels so very real.
Is it habit? The fact that I immediately go back to this? What can I do to create a different story so that I can enjoy the time we all have together?
With Love and Gratitude
~ Wendy
Dear Wendy,?
Yes, you are making it all up. Yes, it is habit. Yes, it is not very empowering. Yes, it does not feel good. Now, knowing all this, what is it that you want? What is it that you are really afraid of? Think about how your desires and fears intersect while understanding what is really going on here. This is how you intentionally and consciously create the life you prefer.
Just a few months ago, you would given in to your habit of fear and operated out of reaction rather than consciously choosing what you prefer. Now that you've come this far, you realize that the old, habitual reaction caused by fear does nothing to get you closer to what it is you really want. You must make a choice. Will you intend to feel good and let everything flow as it will or will you try to control the conditions in the hopes you will not experience fear or negative emotion?
A conscious creator focuses on the feeling they want to feel and not on the fear that will naturally arise. The fear can be dealt with when it comes. That is not the issue. The issue is what you want to feel. Let's talk more about that.
What is it that you want and why? Do you really want everyone to love you more than anyone else? Of course not. You are really not interested in being loved. That is an issue about security. It has nothing to do with who you really are. A limitless being of pure positive love and acceptance doesn't need to be loved. She doesn't need anything. She only desires to express her love to others. You want the feeling of loving others, not receiving love. The desire to receive love is a false desire stemming from insecurity. From a place of confidence, you desire to love everyone in your life unconditionally.
Receiving love from others doesn't mean you are a good person. It doesn't mean you are worthy of love. It doesn't mean you have earned love. It doesn't mean anything. In a natural environment free from the influences of your society, you would freely love everyone around you and they would love you. It is just the natural expression of love without fear. Receiving love when everyone is simply expressing their love cannot mean anything other than you feel worthy of their love. If they did not express their love for you, you would still feel worthy because you are worthy. Therefore, you are now tying the love you receive from others to your own sense of worthiness. If they shower you with affection, you feel worthy. If they do not, you do not feel worthy. If they shower love and affection on someone else, you don't feel worthy. Your worthiness is conditional in this approach to life. Radically change your approach to life so that you feel worthy regardless of what is showing up in your outer reality.
It is not fun to live life by looking to others to justify your existence. If they happen to be nice to you, you feel worthy. If for some reason they say or do something that you take as not being loving or nice, you feel unworthy. Since you have absolutely no control over how they think or feel, you have no control over your feelings of worthiness. This is extremely problematic because you will just try and try to act in a way that will coerce them into being a certain way so that you can feel good. You are manipulating them and it feels rather awkward. They will have to tip toe on eggshells so that you do not become upset with something they say or do or do not say or do not do. At this point, the easiest thing they can do is avoid the situation.
We understand that this honest and authentic evaluation of your situation might be upsetting, but we know you will receive it with the love that we are expressing here by laying out a truth that you can see. If you allow yourself to receive this information with the love that we are intending, you will receive a breakthrough and you will have an opportunity to dramatically shift your entire reality. Your life will completely change as a result of you understanding what we are saying here.
Imagine a woman who is fragile and seeks validation through the love of her family and friends. She does not feel worthy unless they express their love and gratitude for her. She is happy when they do and distraught when they do not. Her state of being is determined by the actions of others. Knowing this, she has but one choice. She must make them express their love at every opportunity. When something or someone enters the picture that might threaten her sense of worthiness, she must act to defend herself from it or to annihilate it out of existence. The others in her life have been conditioned over time to react and respond in ways that keep her feeling good because they feel bad when she is upset or in pain. This woman approaches life by attempting to control the conditions around her so that she may feel good. However, in this receptive universe, this approach cannot work.
Another woman knows that her worthiness is her birthright and that the outside conditions can only show her how she is feeling about herself. If she feels worthy, then her outer world will provide her with evidence that she is worthy. It has nothing to do with her actual worthiness, only her feelings of self worth. Therefore, she responds to the people in her life quite differently than the first woman. She allows everyone to be exactly as they are and she reads into this by acknowledging that how she feels about them is unconditional. She loves them regardless of what they say or do. What they say or do has nothing to do with her; it's only her perception of their words or actions that mean anything. And she has the power and the presence of mind to realize that her fears might influence her perception.
However, from a confident place of love and appreciation, knowing her own worthiness, her outer reality reflects back to her how she feels on the inside. Therefore, her reality is one of extraordinary love and joy. While she will always be placed in manifestation events because she continues to birth new desires, she receives them easily as she quickly reaches for the higher perspective. Knowing how the system works gives her a tremendous advantage.
The first woman is convinced that she must control the outer conditions so that she can feel good. But the fact is that she often does not feel good and this is evidence that her approach is not working. She must come to know her worthiness first. She must see that there is no value in being loved, only in expressing love. She must see that she will have a very difficult time controlling the conditions and an impossible time controlling the people. But more than that, she must see that this approach is simply not healthy because it forces everyone to act in ways that allow her to feel good and this is not authentic. In time, they will resent her for having to do this.
There is really only one choice: accept everything as it is knowing that it is all for your highest good. Have faith that when you allow everyone to be and do whatever they want, they will not resent you for it; they will love you for it. Don't ask anyone to love you for it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with them. Only love them and when we say love them we mean accept them. The belief that another can take their love from you is simply an irrational fear brought on by insecurity. This is your issue to deal with, yet you expect others to solve your problem by behaving in a way that continues to keep you feeling good. It is the ultimate act of enabling. They are enabling you to continue living the old approach to life. It's not their fault, they simply know no other manner of living.
It's all up to you. You may continue controlling and coercing the conditions of your life so that you can avoid negative emotion. We understand that to you negative emotion seems painful. We know that you have avoided negative emotion your entire life and because of this you have attracted unwanted physical conditions. This is a good thing. It has led you to us. We have told you about the mechanism of physical reality and the laws of the universe. We have introduced you to a new approach to life. Now it is your turn. The rest is up to you.
Are you going to continue to manipulate the conditions that exist (which cannot work) or will you now yield to these conditions and understand that they are formed for your benefit? No one else can do this for you. This is what you came here to explore. You might think that you are incapable of change at this level, but you are completely capable of change. This might seem like a big change and it is. There is a lot of momentum. But you know too much now. You've already made most of the change. Your perspective has been lifted. You are now ready to make this shift in your reality. You are ready to become an allower.
What would an allower do in this situation? She would allow everyone and everything to be perfect as it is. She would feel fear, for certain. Fear will always come up. In the past she would try to avoid the fear by controlling the conditions. Now she will face her fear and deal with it in the moment. She will see that the fear is irrational, that it doesn't mean anything, that it is completely false, and she will not let it affect her mood, her words, or her actions. She will not attempt to soothe the fear by asking anyone to be different than they are. She will not reach for anything physical to soothe herself, she will write it down and analyze it. This is courage. This is conscious creation. This is the new approach to life. This is the effective approach to life. If she can do this for just a little while, she will see great changes in her outer reality
We say all this with confidence in you and love for you,
We are Joshua
