Dear Joshua,
I just wanted to report that this last answer has made me very happy and I feel very optimistic about the future. You asked me to notice when I have negative emotion, but it's been all good for the last two days and I'm sure it's because of my mood. Your explanation of the nature of disagreements really resonated with me and just knowing this has eliminated a lot of unnecessary weight in my life. I don't feel the need to convince people of my point of view but rather try to understand theirs and get into their head. I'm actually looking forward to my next disagreement so I can practice my new skills!
You did say something that I would like further clarification to: What thoughts did your wife think for her to find relief?
She might have been thinking that you just wanted something good for your daughter and that you are a good father. She had her own fears about the situation. Can you imagine what they were? She uncovered her own limiting belief during this argument. Can you imagine what that was?
Did she actually uncover a limiting belief or were you speaking hypothetically? (I think that would be great if she did).
I have a guess regarding her fears around this topic. I know when I attended the seminar, she mentioned to me that she was concerned about me changing in a way that made us drift farther apart. She might have the same fear regarding our daughter. Like my daughter and I are on this journey and leaving her behind as we grow and she chooses not too...
I know on a very deep level that wife is my biggest supporter. What I have been wanting from her is a love that is 100%. I feel she is holding back... A protective hold back so she can survive a breakup. I don't want her to have a safety net. Go "all in" so to speak. This was why I wanted her to go to the seminar so strongly! I believed there was a chance it could break down her walls. The night of graduation, I was able to join her and she got up in front of the entire 100+ class and told me how much she loved me. It was the most love I had ever felt from her and we were both crying and from what I heard later, most of the attendees were also tearing up. It was a very powerful moment. This feeling of love lasted a couple days until the next seminar meeting where a friend of mine shook my hand and said how happy he was for me and he said "you did it!".
His wording was in such a way that my wife interpreted it as I had gotten my way and she had given in. She became furious and it's been a sore subject ever since. :(
I'm having the realization that I'm the one holding back love, protecting myself. I'm still in a place where I feel if I'm "all in", I can be devastated if things don't turn out. I know from prior breakups how hard it is. Feels like a knife being stuck into your gut and time goes by excruciatingly slow, so the pain lasts that much longer. I'm thinking this might have something to do with my parents separating when I was a 5 year old and my Dad moved out if the house - that was a very big event in my life.
I'm also holding back all of my love from others in my life because I feel that I don't want to "lead them on". So there is this theme going on where I hold back love. The only place this doesn't apply is towards my kids. Thinking about this now, I know that my love for my kids is eternal and nothing could take that away from me, not even death... I don't even care if they don't love me back! Wouldn't even make a difference!!!! I would still love them with all of my being... Wow... Obviously, this is the answer. I put conditions on love when it comes to everyone else besides my kids. This is huge for me. You mentioned this loving unconditionally earlier but I didn't understand how it was possible. Now I discover I'm already doing it and I didn't even realize it! I know the goal for me now is to feel towards the special people in my life the same way I feel towards my children. What is a good first step in that direction? Because for me right now they are clearly different "buckets" in my mind...
I think I'll end here... Would love to hear your thoughts/comments on all this.
Thanks!
Steve
Dear Steve,
As you were writing your question, you stumbled upon the answer yourself. Isn't that interesting? You came to the conclusion on your own. How did that happen? You were resonating and communicating with your inner self without really realizing it. All of the answers are to be found within. We are not really giving you the right answers to your questions. We are leading you to a vibrational level that is high enough that allows you more close communication with your inner self. This is where your answers lie. Practice this communication.
You have been told to love unconditionally. What we are really talking about is loving the conditions that exist unconditionally. The conditions include the people, but also much, much more. The conditions include the circumstances and even your feelings about those circumstances. Even if you feel negative emotion, we want you to love the conditions that produced the negative emotion, because that negative emotion is actually a positive thing. It allows you to identify a limiting belief. So love everything.
When you feel love, you are in alignment with your inner self and in that state the universe and all its energy is at your command. When you feel emotional pain, you are feeling the disconnection (or really the illusion of disconnection) from your inner self. Since you can't be disconnected from your inner self, there's no need to feel pain unless you want to.
So, let's look at this from the higher perspective. You know now that you must feel towards others and towards the conditions as you feel towards your children - unconditional love. That will be living as an expanded being, as the truest version of you, as fully blended with your inner self. This is your goal. The best place to start is with your wife. From there your love can grow to include all others in your life as well.
You might think it would be easier to love your wife fully than to unconditionally love an acquaintance. Your wife will be the most difficult person for you to love fully because you believe you can get hurt. If you begin to love your wife unconditionally and you break up, you believe you will feel pain. If you love an acquaintance unconditionally and they leave, well that's not really a big deal.
So you have this fear of loving your wife unconditionally because you fear the pain of loss. This is quite natural and is part of the survival instinct. You have an instinct to protect this love from loss and it's more powerful than you think. But you can move past this. You must be patient for this is a thing that you will grow into over time. As you do learn to love unconditionally, you will see things miraculously change. Faith is an aspect of this process.
The whole point of unconditional love is to allow love to flow from you and then love whatever arises out of that. This is the essence of everything you are wanting to explore in this life. This is the pinnacle of human experience. It is extremely rare and takes some courage and a lot of determination, but it's the most natural thing in the universe. Unconditional love is the basis of the universe and all universal law.
As you learn to truly love unconditionally, your focus is on love no matter the conditions. If your wife loves you back at 1% of what you are giving, then that is wonderful. If your wife decides to leave the relationship, then that too is wonderful. If you really believe that you create your reality and all you're doing is being love, then whatever happens as a result of who you're being, you'll be led to the place you really, really want to be!
Unconditional love means loving the conditions as they are and understanding that from this stance rooted in love, the universe is yielding to you. You are creating at a higher level from this position of love. Whatever comes as a result, even if it doesn't seem right in the moment, will be to your fullest enjoyment and highest good. The result will be everything you ever truly wanted.
When you go "all in" with your love for everyone you know, and you learn to love the conditions without knee-jerk reactions or judgment, we know that you will be creating at such a high level that you will not lose. Since there's nothing to lose, why not go all in?
We love you unconditionally.
Love,
Joshua
