Dear Joshua,
I wanted to update you on my neighbor thing - we had our date in court. As part of the process, we had to exchange any documents that we intended to show to the courts as part of our case against the other party. We (my wife and I) went over and sat next to him in the courthouse and while we were exchanging/talking I had the realization that all he really wanted was to be friends again. This really shifted my perception of the entire situation and ultimately we were able to come to a mutually agreed upon settlement that we both felt was fair (and the courts approved) but more importantly, we re-established our friendship and when we parted the courthouse I actually gave him a hug goodbye. The feelings were real. It's actually hard for me now to feel how upset I used to be with him. It's much nicer now being able to wave at my neighbor as I drive by. I feel a little bit "lighter" overall because of this :)
On the flip side, my wife is still pissed at him. I hope she comes around, but ultimately, I should see this as perfect, right? So I shouldn't want her to change her attitude towards him. I'm having a difficult time with this. I want her to grow and evolve, but she doesn't seem to be that into it. I "should" be accepting her as she is, correct? And to take this another level deeper, is she still pissed at our neighbor to teach me something?
Thanks!
Steve
Dear Steve,
Whenever you acknowledge that the behavior of another is wrong, and you feel negative emotion, then you've uncovered a limiting belief. Your wife is not wrong to harbor these feelings. She is not wrong when she is not growing spiritually in the way you judge appropriate. She is always right because this is right for her. When you allow her to be as she will be being, you are not simply loving her unconditionally, which is the only rational approach, and you are allowing her to be right. When you judge her as wrong, you argue against what is and you cause her to hold her ground and dig in just a bit deeper. When you try to counsel or advise someone who is not asking for your help, you cause a rift in your relationship. There's nothing you can do but strive to feel good yourself.
When we ask you to allow her to be as she is, we are not asking for her sake, we are asking for yours. When you can let her be as she is being, realizing there's nothing you can or should do, you cause yourself to feel better. Since the only thing that matters is how you feel, feeling better is the only appropriate goal.
You might want to help her to feel better because you realize that everything comes as a response to how you feel and you want her to feel good. You might even believe it's your responsibility to help her move into alignment so that her life improves. But what you're really doing is wanting her to change so that you can be relieved of your own bad feelings for her. You feel bad for her, but you're really just feeling bad. When you realize that you really only want her to feel good so that you can feel good, you're just trying to control the conditions rather than managing the way you feel.
You will have a much easier time of it when you stop trying to coerce the conditions and instead learn to control your own perception of the conditions. It's not effective to go around trying to control everything and every one, making everyone happy, and acting in a way you think they want you to act. Just allow everything and everyone to be as they are being and learn to manage your own perception of your reality. From the higher perspective, everything feels better.
So yes, your wife is on her journey and she is part of your life, so everything she does is for your benefit. Learn to control your mind rather than her life and you'll both feel better. That is the truth behind unconditional love.
Joshua
