Dear Joshua,
You asked when is the last time I felt negative emotion. It was when I had a fight with my wife about my daughter attending a weekend workshop (landmark forum, formerly known as EST) for her 18th birthday which will be in March. It was a workshop that we both attended (me very willingly, loved it so much that I then I coerced my wife to attend a couple months after me - I thought it would improve our relationship - it didn't, actually quite the opposite) Now she is vehemently opposed to the Landmark organization and anything to do with them. And especially opposed to our daughter attending! (while I think it would be extremely valuable to her)
The bad feeling emotion was caused because I felt my wife was denying my daughter her potential growth that she might benefit from in attending this workshop. Our daughter ought to be the decision maker on whether she wants to attend or not. I felt this was selfish of my wife and not fair to my daughter!
The limiting belief behind this? My daughter "needs" this workshop. I don't think this is it, but it helped me personally when I decided to believe that she is fine now and a few years postponement for the workshop would not be a big issue... That she limits the freedom of what I can give my daughter for her birthday? This could quite possibly be it. Nobody should be able to tell me what I can and cannot get for my daughter for her birthday.
Bottom line, I eventually acquiesced to keep the peace and I figured that when my daughter was older, she could take the workshop on her own without me appearing to be thrusting this on to her (from my wife's perspective).
Also, this brought up a pervasive thought that I'm the continual seeker in my life and my wife likes things just the way they are. This makes me feel that ultimately I would be happier with someone more like me and maybe we shouldn't be together anymore. (It doesn't help matters when I've met the master seeker and she's wonderful!) Then this brings up a whole slew of beliefs about failure and broken promises (I will stay with you forever is the promise we make in our vows). My parents split up several times and finally divorced when I was 18 and that affected me quite a bit emotionally and I swore to myself I wouldn't do the same.
I'm going to stop there. Let me know if you want any further clarification. I know I will be thinking a lot about this.
Thanks!
Steve
Dear Steve,
You are the creator of your reality, yet it seems as if other people are standing in the way of your creation. You want your daughter to have this experience because you believe it will be beneficial. You wife, from her perspective, believes the experience would not be beneficial for your daughter. Who is right? You both are.
You are not acquiescing to your wife to keep the peace. You must understand that there is no wrong in the universe and your wife is not wrong either. Nor are you wrong. It's simply that from each perspective, you are both equally right. She is right from the point of view of her perspective and you are right from yours.
Imagine if you could see the situation from your wife's perspective. She did not enjoy the experience and she knows her daughter very well and knows that she would not enjoy the experience either. If you could see the situation from her perspective, you would absolutely agree with her. Now, if she could see the situation from your perspective, she would absolutely agree with you. The difference then is the perspective. You are both right from your perspective and seem to be wrong from the other's perspective.
That's all any disagreement ever is. It's simply a matter of perspective.
One of your limiting beliefs in this regard is that others should be able to see things from your perspective and then they would agree with you. But your perspective is much, much higher than most people and it is a very unique perspective. Others will have difficulty raising their perspective to align with yours.
So then they should simply trust you and understand that your perspective trumps theirs. Well, that could also be said of your relationship with your inner self. You don't always see things from the perspective of your inner self. That's why you feel negative emotion. That's why you felt negative emotion in this instance.
When you can come to see the situation from the perspective of the one who's disagreeing with you, you'll gain strides to better understanding and cooperation. But, if you believe that they are wrong and you are right, you will continue your conflict and will simply make matters worse. It is remarkable to us that you were able to quickly come to the thought that your daughter could wait a couple of years and this would not matter. You were able to ease your frustration with better-feeling thoughts and thus you found relief. What thoughts did your wife think for her to find relief?
She might have been thinking that you just wanted something good for your daughter and that you are a good father. She had her own fears about the situation. Can you imagine what they were? She uncovered her own limiting belief during this argument. Can you imagine what that was?
One of your limiting beliefs in this area is that your wife should be different than she is and if she was different then you could maintain your promises as you so desire. You fear that if she continues to behave in a way that you do not appreciate, you'll be forced to break your promises. This is a fearful thought, but the fear is irrational.
You believe that if she was with you on your path to spiritual growth, things would be better. But this is not true, it is simply an excuse to not appreciate who she is. Who your wife is, is the essence of pure love. So are you. So is everyone. When you see her as anything less, you are seeing the illusion that is being presented to you. When you desire for her to be something more, and she cannot be that due to your focus on what is not wanted, you think the qualities can be found in other people. But this is an illusion as well.
Your wife is on a spiritual journey just as you are, but her journey is different than yours and she will never be on your level. You may find happiness in the personality of another who seems to be aligned with your desires, but it will only be because you see the positive aspects of that new person. As soon as your focus shifts to their negative aspects, you will be right back in the same old place.
No two people are on the same spiritual path. The closer your paths are, the more different they seem.
You may choose to see the positive aspects of your wife now which will allow you to keep your promises. However, if you do that just to maintain your agreement, you will not be happy with the result. Imagine that you desire to keep your agreement stemmed from the unwanted aspect of your parent's situation. If that is accurate, then this desire came from trying to avoid something unwanted and was not a true or necessary desire.
Your true desire is to come to discover who you really are and to live as that finest version of you. That person is the essence of pure love. So how would that person behave in this situation? This is what out six-month adventure is all about. How will you be when you are being the highest version of you? What perspective will you don? How will you react in the face of negative emotion? How will you see only the positive and ignore the negative? What will life be like for you then? We know it will be wonderful.
In the next few months, it is our hope that you will move closer to who you really are. To do so you will have to quickly and effectively analyze each occurrence where negative emotion is felt. You, with a little help from us, will start to break down the limiting beliefs that have you trapped in current circumstances. Once you reduce the intensity of these limiting beliefs, you will experience freedom like you never have before.
We feel that you very much believe that the key to your happiness lies outside your current relationship. It may, but we urge you not to change anything in the next six months. Any change that you initiate from your current state of being will not be to your liking. Allow what you really want to flow to you these next few months and do not attempt to make anything happen on your own. Those who are in your life now are there to support your growth in this extraordinary period in your life. Allow things to play out and watch what happens.
From this point on, notice any argument that arises, observe your feelings, then see the situation from the other's perspective. Imagine they are right. imagine they know what's best. Then act as if they are right and don't worry too much about your own ideas of right and wrong. Let them be right. Truly agree with them in all situations by seeing it from their perspective. Do not fear that things will not go your way or that your persona will be diminished in any way and you'll be very surprised by the result.
Be aware. Be present. Think before you react. Observe what is really happening. It is all happening for you, not to you. It will be amazing.
Now, the next time you feel negative emotion, think it out and ask us a question. This is part of the process and this is the practice that will help you grow. You are doing very well.
Love,
Joshua
