Joshua,
Oh my god. Or should I say, oh my all that is. I have somehow just gotten everything I wanted. It's been a fucking day, that's for sure.
I went from almost being in tears when I wrote you earlier, to sending dirty emails to two different guys, to calling my gentleman friend back home and telling him I wanted more out of whatever it is we are doing.
That last part started tonight when my kids were fighting going to bed. I can easily see in this instance how that totally happened for me. I surrendered (i.e. released my resistance) and just laid down in their room with them with the lights off. And while I was lying there, in a semi-meditative state, I was analyzing my fears around men, and my commitment issues, and my feelings towards this gentleman friend in particular.
When I finally got up, I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and attracted the thought that I should call him. That freaked me out. It hasn't been that kind of thing up to this point. We've both made it clear that we are not phone talkers. So I received the inspiration and immediately muscle-tested the thought "I am inspired to call him right now." It came back true, and my first thought was "Fuck."
I didn't want to, and I knew it was due to irrational fear, but I just really didn't want to. I sat for a minute, with my mind racing. I wasn't even sure at that point why I was supposed to call him, whether it was to talk about all the shit that's been going on for me, or to talk about us, or what. But, because of everything I've learned from you, I knew this was meant to bring me closer to whatever it is I truly desire, and so I called him.
I could tell he was surprised. When he heard my voice, he asked if I was okay. I sort of explained the past few days and my recent revelations, and when I finished he asked how that connected to him in my mind. I told him I'd realized I wanted more, and that I didn't know what that meant, but that I'd felt inspired to call him and so I did.
And how did he respond?
He told me he wants more too, but that he doesn't want to place any limitations on me. That he understands I'm in a place where I'm exploring and figuring out who I am. That he's glad to know my feelings for him were deeper than I'd let on, and that his feelings for me are just as deep. And that he's happy to move forward with the intention to be more intentional with each other, and still to keep things simple.
So all of a sudden, I'm back to a place where I know who I am, I know what I want, I see how everything is working for me, and I am completely aware that I am creating my reality. Surely this shift brings me up to at least a 2.5 on that scale you were talking about, right?
This is incredible. I'm getting exactly what I want...all these ideas that I'd previously thought were mutually exclusive, they're all now coming together quite nicely. Men and safety, love and freedom, intimacy and exploration. I get to have it all.
What are the odds? One hundred fucking percent, apparently.
With love and everlasting gratitude,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
You've made it to 2.5, congratulations. You are seeing that things happen for you. You are acting when inspired and pushing through irrational fear. You are leaning in with curiosity and releasing your attachments to specific outcomes. You're allowing everything you want to come to you. You are maintaining a desire to feel good and you now understand the importance of feeling good. You are striving to feel good more often. You are engaging the leverage of universal forces and your outer reality is beginning to reflect your new vibration. You are well on your way, but there is much more to come.
With our love,
Joshua
