Joshua,
It's Monday and I'm already in a complete state of allowing. Last week I was in total resistance and everything felt hard. Now I'm feeling light and easy, and I am right back to getting everything I want.
I'm serious when I say everything. From a fun, easy day at work to to a group of landscapers at my complex to my gifted brand new headset to dinner with my three best friends to my glass of red wine to a text saying my divorce is final to an interesting college guy and the list goes on and on.
It's ridiculous. I'm getting every single thing I want. I think "Well, wouldn't it be nice if...?" Today I was in my good friend's courtyard after she bought my lunch out of the blue. I noticed landscapers and thought of my complex where I'd noticed long grass and tall weeds. I started loving up on one of the guys in my mind, thanking him for making these people's home a more beautiful place to live. Telling him (in my mind) that he was doing a great job. Wrapped up my conversation with my friend and headed out.
I got in my car and drove half an hour home. When I pulled in the parking lot I saw an entire maintenance crew out and about. I smiled and sat in my car texting. When I got out, the super hot maintenance man drove by me on a lawnmower. There literally could not have been a sexier sight in that moment.
And then I met a hot young college guy who really deserves his own question. Short story long, joy is coming very easily to me. This shift happens every time the boys go to their dad's. I love them to pieces, and I enjoy so much about them. I want to access joy more easily when they are with me.
I realized that I feel less free when they are with me. My limited perspective says that's natural, that you inherently give up your freedom when you become a parent. But my higher perspective says it's entirely possible to feel free as a parent caring for your kids around the clock. It's all a matter of perspective. But I've been falling into the limited perspective a lot lately.
I feel like this issue is my sticking point. I understand that it's just another experience that I'm experiencing, but it feels so real. It's hard for me to not make them wrong. I know better than that...but when I'm in a low state of emotion the urge I receive is to make them wrong. I do my best not to, and then sometimes I do (like, a lot in one day) because I'm just spent. And then I beat myself up for it.
And that's why I'm not accessing joy as easily when I'm with them. Please help me understand how I can do so. I would prefer to spend more time with my kids exploring the fun sides of life together. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get past this?
Thanks for always being there.
With love,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
There's nothing to get past. There's nothing you can do wrong. You can't possibly fail. All you are ever doing is expanding and that is what you came here to do. So then, why not expand in joy?
When you feel annoyed or angry, rejoice. You're expanding. Laugh about it. It's causing you to birth desires and it's causing your kids to birth desires. This is part of their (and your) trajectory. You are getting everything you want.
It's interesting to see you in joy when they are not around. In joy, you receive everything you want. Not in joy, you receive less. You are an allower in joy and a resistor in resistance. All you have to do is find a way to feel joy.
If you don't feel joy, so what? If you do feel joy, that's great. If you don't feel joy, you expand. If you do feel joy, you also expand. You expand in joy. You choose the perspective and it's okay to choose the limited perspective. It's no big deal. There's nothing to worry about. Your kids didn't come here for butterflies and rainbows, they came for the expansion caused by experience. You are working this new situation out. They are working it out too. It's new. Their vibrations are not up to speed with their new environment and the change. They will come up to speed soon enough.
Until then, have fun with it. Be less controlling. Care less what they or anyone else think. Be silly. Be goofy. You don't need to play the mother role all the time. There's nothing you need to do for them to be perfect. They're already perfect. They will never be this age again. They will never be like they are right now ever again. Next year they will be different. You will look back at this time and wonder what you were struggling with. It will all seems so easy as you look back on fond memories.
Have fun when you're not with them. Do what you want to do. Be productive and creative. When you're with them you can do stuff with them. Have fun with them when you have them and do not feel guilty when you're having fun without them. This is the best part of shared custody. This is why people do it. Be grateful you have an ex who can manage them as well. Everything is working out perfectly.
You do not need to be anyone other than who you are being. They choose you as their mother. They are vibrationally aligned with you. The surface behavior does not matter, because they feel your vibration. They are aligned with you. You are giving them everything they need. You do not need to give more. You do not need to be different. When you do something you consider to be wrong, you are looking at your own actions from the limited perspective. We ask you to look at everything from the higher perspective, and that includes you and your actions as well.
With our love,
We are Joshua
