Joshua,
After a long week spent mostly looking at things from a limited perspective, my ex arrived to pick up the kids. The afternoon was a bit rough (because once again I was choosing a limited perspective), but we had just finished talking to my parents on FaceTime, so everybody was feeling fairly chipper when he got here.
He also seemed to be in a good mood, and the exchange went really well. I thought I noticed him "noticing" me, but I was feeling pretty attractive today so that would make sense. What doesn't necessarily make sense to me is that for the first time in almost two years, I was attracted to him physically.
I definitely don't have any desire to go down that road (at least not a conscious desire) and I didn't feel any negative emotion as a result of the attraction, but I did find it very curious.
Is it simply a result of him acting like a sane and reasonable human being for a few interactions in a row? Or is it because the divorce is so close to being final that I feel safer with/around him?
I realize I created all of this, but I can't figure out the why or the how. I know it probably doesn't matter, but I'd still like to your insight into this.
Was just about to sign off then had a thought...this week I was lamenting internally about how difficult it felt being a single parent (part-time, but still...) So maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe he looked attractive to me because he was providing relief when I needed it?
I don't know...you tell me lol.
With loads of love and appreciation,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
When you felt fear, you felt no attraction to your ex. The fear caused you to hate the person you used to love. Remove the fear and the love returns. There is less fear now and so the attraction has a chance to return. If you felt no fear, you would love this man. If you had felt no fear in the marriage, the marriage would not have ended. He did not cause the fear, you did. You have control over the fear at all times. You felt he was wrong, this caused negative emotion because there is no wrong. The judgment you made was due to an irrational fear based on how you felt about yourself at the time. That is all changing. You are a completely different person. You are easy to love now and you are finding it easier to love other because there is far less fear in your life than there was before.
Joshua
