Joshua,
Yesterday I texted my gentleman friend and asked him if he'd like to get together sometime soon. He replied, "For sure." Even though my question was vague, I was annoyed at his equally vague response. I realized I was judging him, and wanting him to be different than he is, so after sending him some love and acceptance in my mind, I replied and said "Tomorrow?" He texted back and said "Tis very possible."
Again, I was annoyed. Again, I realized I was looking at things from a limited perspective. So I put it out of my mind, and reassured myself that everything happens for a reason, and that everything is always working out for me.
Here I am, the next night, and haven't heard a word from him. And for some reason, it's really bothering me. I've spent a good portion of my day looking for higher perspectives, attempting to identify fears, and come up with evidence. All I've really come up with are the classics: "I'm not worthy of attention." and "It matters what other people think of me."
I can't seem to stop making him wrong. I think I'm awesome. I can't understand why he wouldn't be dying to spend time with me. And since it seems (from my limited perspective) that he is clearly *not* dying to spend time with me, either he is wrong or I am wrong (meaning I may not be as awesome as I think I am). My persona is having trouble accepting the latter, so it seems to have decided that the safest choice is to make him wrong.
I know there is no wrong anywhere in the Universe. I know that there could be a million reasons why I didn't hear from him, and that each of those million reasons is 100% set up to ensure I get what I want (whatever that is). I also know that the Universe has a much clearer idea than I do of what I want.
But that doesn't keep it from stinging just a bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit.
Why doesn't he seem to have a desire to hang out with me? And why does it bother me so much? If I'm honest with myself, this is a pattern that has played out several times over since I was in my early 20's. I guess I'm feeling some disappointment at finding myself in this situation again (I know, I know, another limited perspective...because it's all perfect, right?).
I'm moving soon, so this relationship is probably nearing its end...I would prefer to have a bit more fun together before we say goodbye, or see you later, or whatever. I would prefer to not have that time be spoiled by my limiting beliefs.
So...can you help me figure out what's at the root of this? I look forward to hearing your take on it.
With love,
Kyla
p.s. Just attracted the thought that maybe this has something to do with a fear of loss. I know you've mentioned that before regarding this relationship. So it's probably safe to say that is also at play here?
Dear Kyla,
It might be helpful to look at this from a higher perspective. Imagine if you were living on Earth as the fullest and most authentic representation of who you really are. You are a eternal, limitless being of pure positive love and acceptance. Imagine if he didn't want to be with this version of you? What would you think then?
You, being an eternal, limitless being of pure love and acceptance would love and accept him anyway just as he is. But more importantly than that, you would accept yourself unconditionally as well. You see, you are still loving yourself conditionally. If you are the object of attention, it makes you feel good and you accept that attention as validation of your awesomeness. However, when you are slighted in the least, you accept that as validation of your lameness. You are conditionally loving or not loving yourself. If you were a pure positive being of love and acceptance, you would accept yourself as who you are unconditionally. When things validate this love, you would appreciate and acknowledge it. When things did not, you wouldn't be bothered by it.
You see yourself as awesome when others see you as awesome and this is very good indeed. Many people do not see themselves as awesome even when others do. This is an issue of worthiness. However, when others do not find you to be that awesome, you feel negative emotion because you think that if you were really awesome, everyone would see it. But, as you already know, it doesn't work like that. Others see a version of you that is blurred by their own perception of reality. You have no control over that. You can't know what they see. You don't know what they've been through. You do not know what their limiting beliefs are. You know that they resonate with you vibrationally, but you can't know exactly how or why. You do not know what they need from you. All you can know is how you feel about them and how you feel about yourself.
There are just too many unknowns to worry about what anyone else is thinking. It's best just to work on realizing just how awesome you are and leave it at that. You could be the most awesome human in existence and most people would not be able to see it. Jesus was awesome, yet very few people at that time could see it. Hitler was not awesome, but many people thought he was. It has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with other people's own perception of their reality.
Do not look for validation outside yourself; look inside. Once you start understanding your own undeniable awesomeness, you will receive indications from others that you are awesome. This is not validation, it's just the Law of Attraction reflecting back your own inner reality. Those who see you as awesome will be attracted to whatever they see in you that resonates with their personal idea of awesomeness. It may be brief because their idea of awesomeness may be something you only exhibit for a brief time. You can't be awesome to everyone for very long, but you can be a little awesome to a lot of people for a short while. That's why people think pop stars are awesome. They are only exposed to a very minor aspect for a very short while. The average song is about three minutes long.
You can either believe in your own awesomeness and allow those who can see it to discover it themselves, if they can, when they can, for the amount of time they can, or you can deny your own awesomeness. It's your choice. However, when you look for validation in the outer world, all you'll ever find is the reflection of your own opinion of your awesomeness (or worthiness to use another word).
With Love,
We are Joshua and we are awesome (and so are you!)
