Joshua,
Thank you for your answer. I'm going to have to read it a few more times, but for now there are two parts that jump out at me -- my son's perspective in terms of him not appreciating the recent changes in his life, and the part where you broke down what I am communicating to him each time I make him wrong.
Both of those make so much sense to me, but instead of relief, I'm feeling guilt. So perhaps there's another limiting belief I've been ignoring, the belief that I shouldn't have put my son in this situation (having to live in two separate homes). That if I'd found a way to make my marriage work, he wouldn't be feeling and acting this way.
My evidence to prove that false is that if it weren't this, it'd be something else. If it weren't living in two separate homes, it would be living with two parents whose relationship had reached its end in spite of their refusal to admit it. Everything that has happened, has happened for a reason, to progress him along his path (and everyone else in our family along theirs). He chose me as his mother, knowing my strengths and weaknesses, because I am perfect for him. I am exactly what he needs in a mother. And he is exactly what I need in a son.
So now I'm finally feeling a bit of relief. And as I type this, they're working on puzzles together at my feet. All is well. I intend to focus more of my attention on moments like these, and be grateful for all that I have -- two beautiful, spirited, energetic boys who are indeed my greatest teachers.
Writing this out has helped greatly, but I still have a couple questions...you said that you could see the benefit in some discipline here and there. Can you give me an example of what that would look like? Also, what is the best way for me to react externally in the red hot moment? My instincts have to scream or run away, and neither of those is ideal. I usually end up getting extremely quiet, alternating between holding my breath and taking deep breaths, while I search for a higher perspective (which I don't always seem to find). I would love to find a way to tame the volcano inside me that's constantly threatening to erupt.
I can feel the progress now, slow as it may be. Thank you so much for your insight.
With love,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
When you feel guilt, realize that you are choosing a perspective that is not in alignment with who you really are or what you really want. By regretting past decisions for whatever reason, you are arguing with what is. You are denying the infinite intelligence of the universe. You are saying that some things are wrong in a universe where everything is right. When you look at the subject from a higher perspective, your guilt will vanish because you will find evidence proves that the fear that caused negative emotion is false. So just as you are now doing, look for the evidence and you will find relief.
Your son did choose you. This is contrast and from this contrast he will birth new desires. Without this contrast he could not birth these same desires in the same way with the same intensity. He is in the process of creation. He is building a trajectory. He knew that being born into this environment with you as his mother, he would experience contrast, create new desires, and be launched on a trajectory that will lead him to those areas he wanted to explore prior to being born into this environment. Everything is working out perfectly for him and for you.
You get the benefit of watching the manifestation process in action. You do not need to soothe him for this will offset that trajectory to some degree. Everything you are doing is perfect. It is all working out as intended. You are part of his journey and you have tremendous influence over him at this time. Think about that as you engage with him throughout his childhood.
When we say that some discipline is appropriate in certain circumstances, we are talking about rational fear. If you found your son climbing into the lion's cage at the zoo, we would understand that some slight form of discipline might be appropriate. Maybe a simple "No son" would suffice. If your son was trying to set fire to the house, it might be worthwhile to mention the consequences of such action. If you found him with nail and hammer attempting to attach his brother's hand to the wall, then possibly you might intervene. However, other than scenarios such as these, we would not interfere too much. Certainly, when the only issue is how his behavior makes you feel, we would not say anything, rather we would find a way to see the perspective from a higher angle.
There will be plenty of people who will find it necessary to discipline your son in order to force his conformity. You don't have to be a part of that. You can be the one who loves him despite the conditions of his behavior.
When you feel negative emotion, it is best to hold your tongue and calm down before saying anything or taking any action that is likely to come from a low-emotional state of being. We see that a wonderful and easy way for you to process your emotions is through the act of writing. You can sit down in a corner and take out a journal or get on your computer and just start writing. This will allow you to flesh out your perspective and then through analysis move to another perspective until you find relief.
Joshua
