Kyla Question #60

 

Joshua,

I talked to you last week in our live call about feeling busy and overwhelmed. I'm still feeling that way, and it's mostly centered around my camping trip to Wyoming this week with my parents and the boys.

Today I finally realized (after Steve gently brought it to my awareness) that I really don't want to go camping. He asked me why I was going, and all of my responses were fearbased. Not only do I feel like I should go, I feel like I should *want* to go, and I feel guilt because I don't.

I know the answer...I "should" only do what feels good. And if camping in Wyoming doesn't feel good, I shouldn't do it. But I have fear around having that conversation with my parents, and that conversation with the boys, and that conversation with their dad (because I am filled with this knowing, even though it's uncomfortable for me, that they're supposed to go have a fun trip with their grandparents and I'm supposed to stay home.)

So what is this really about? Why don't I want to go? Why do I feel like I should go? I actually know the answer to the last question...because I'm afraid of how others will perceive my decision. And also because I feel some mom guilt about passing up an opportunity to go camping with my kids for the first time.

I'd love to hear your perspective on this. I feel like those conversations are going to happen tomorrow regardless, but I would love to be in a high emotional state before I enter into them, and I'm just not quite there yet.

Thanks in advance for your insight. I know this is all happening for me, and I can't wait to see the reinforcement of that in your answer.

With love,
Kyla


Dear Kyla,

You have a persona which is your current view of yourself. You view yourself as a good person, a good mother, and a good daughter. In order to maintain this illusion, you must do things you don't want to do because the fear of being found out is too great.

Therefore you struggle through things that aren't fun, interesting, or enjoyable just to maintain this false persona. In reality you are a good person, a good mother, and a good daughter. So why do you feel the need to prove it?

Set yourself free from the limitations of your false persona. Follow your highest joy. You know what you want to do because you can feel it. If it doesn't feel right then do not feel you need to do it. However, if you will feel guilty for not doing it, then that is something to consider. You must do what you want to do as long as you can find a way to feel good about not doing something else.

If you went camping because you felt pressure to go, then you might have slipped into a negative state of being and you were probably not much fun to be around. If you had stayed home and allowed your children to get some valuable alone time with their grandparents, that would have worked out perfectly. Your parents have spent enough time with you. You just get in the way. What they want to do is be with their grandchildren. You spoiled their fun (not really, but you get the idea).

However, had you stayed home and felt guilty, you would have also dipped into a lowemotional state of being and you probably wouldn't have been much fun at home either. Once you make a decision, go with it because it doesn't matter what you do. It's only when you're thinking about what you could have been doing instead that causes you to wish you were somewhere else. Once the decision is made, align fully with that decision and everything you would have received doing something else will be found in the thing you're actually doing. You cannot make a wrong decision, you can only cause yourself to feel bad by thinking it could be better somewhere else.

Joshua

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