Joshua,
Why do I feel so weird about this situation with the guy I've been hanging out with? Each time we're together, we have a great time with interesting conversation and we connect quite well physically, but when we're apart I find him hard to read and I experience fear when I text him.
Is this a worthiness thing? I've found myself worrying that I'm being too direct, or that I'm somehow making him uncomfortable, so then I reassure myself that I am worthy, I am desirable, I am following my inspiration, etc. but I still find myself uncomfortable when thinking about him and how he perceives me.
I'm seeing now how this ties into everything that's been happening with Janine and Jewels and my limiting beliefs about how a woman "should" act (i.e. be a "good" girl, play hard to get, let the man be the pursuer, etc).
So is that what this weirdness is about? I'm aware that it doesn't actually have anything to do with him, and that it's only my projection of how he perceives me. I've been looking at the fears and coming up with evidence to prove them false, but the negative emotion continues to appear when we're communicating via text. Is there another limiting belief (or more than one) that I've yet to identify?
Also, why do I keep faking orgasms? I'm thoroughly enjoy our interactions, but I feel like there's a barrier preventing me from truly letting go with him (or possibly anyone). Would love to hear your insight on that as well.
With love,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
You are simply attached to you idea of the proper outcome, process, and structure of this relationship. You see the relationship as an ideal and when you believe that the ideal is not unfolding as you want or think it should, you feel fear. If you dropped your attachment to your ideal, you could not feel fear.
What is a relationship anyway? It is an intention for two people to spend time together for as long as they feel like it. That's a higher perspective. If the relationship ends tomorrow, another one will show up. There are endless opportunities for relationships as long as you allow for them. When you can get into the state of allowing, then what you really want will come to you.
Why do you care? What do you care how he perceives you? He can't see who you are anyway because who you are is blurred by who he is (how he perceives himself). When you become attached to how he perceives you, you just act in unnatural ways that correspond with your perception of his perception of you. You must be different than who you are.
What if you could just be you without pretending to be any different? What would that look like? Would the authentic version of you be attractive to him? Maybe yes and maybe know, but if you need to be someone else so that he likes you, then you are just an actor in a role and that's not very satisfying.
Do you fear your own emotions? Do you fear getting involved and then having the relationship end? If it ended, would you feel negative emotion? Why? What would that mean? The only reason you would be someone you are not is because you fear the pain of the relationship ending. But why would you feel pain? Because you would be looking at it from a perspective that is different than how your inner self sees it. You would be choosing the limited perspective.
Now imagine that you had no attachment to the relationship. How would you act.? Who would you be? If you knew that it mattered not whether this relationship continued (because you know that from an allowing stance, endless relationships will be lined up for you) and you knew that you could not feel negative emotion if it did end, then who would you be? Would you continue to put on an act, or would you be who you really are?
You are a being of pure positive love and acceptance. Would this man prefer to be with the limited version of you who loved him as long as things went well, or would he prefer the authentic version of you who loved and accepted him and everything about the current state of the relationship in the moment? He would love the authentic version of you.
If you accepted his actions and behavior completely with love and appreciation, never worrying about what would happen next, then you would allow him to love you as you are. If you have fear that he might do something to jeopardize the relationship, then you are just attached to your own ideas and not allowing for the way things are meant to play out.
You cannot see what will happen from your limited perspective. You cannot know how things will turn out. If you are having fun, then have fun. If you feel like faking an orgasm because it's fun, then pretend all you like. If you feel like showing him who you really are then do that. If you believe it's fun to be who you are not, then do that. All you have to do is have fun, remove your limiting beliefs based in fear, look at the relationship from the higher perspective, release your attachment to what you think should happen, and go with the flow. Nothing is more attractive than that.
Joshua
