Joshua,
Thank you for your last answer. I especially liked the part where you asked if I'd begun to feel like a master yet. It's a new idea for me, not something I've ever considered myself before, but the term has been popping into my awareness left and right, so given your input, maybe it's something to start playing around with...it's certainly a fun idea to think about, and became my better-feeling thought today when I was experiencing some negative emotions.
I've been putting into practice your advice to allow my kids to follow their own inner guidance as much as I can physically stand it. I've overcome a LOT of urges to correct them, to ask them to change in order for me to feel comfortable, to step in when they are arguing over something I perceive to be silly. I'm getting better at the allowing part, but I'm having a tough time feeling good while doing it. Will that part come naturally with time and practice?
Today felt a bit rough because we had family (my dad's sisters) in town who have rigid beliefs about how children should behave. My oldest was getting kind of squirrelly, talking like a baby, hitting his brother, and generally just being rude to everyone. I was doing my best to allow him to just be, but eventually caved to the pressure because I felt like everyone in the room thought he (and myself, by proxy) should be acting differently than he was.
When I had a couple minutes to step back, I spent some time appreciating my surroundings, and the fact that I have two happy, healthy, beautiful, and energetic (!) boys. I thought about the "master" thing and laughed a bit. By that point I was calmed down enough to be able to identify a few limiting beliefs:
"It matters what other people think of my parenting."
"My son needs to be different than he is in order for me to be okay."
"I am handling his behavior all wrong."
Then I looked for evidence to prove those false (i.e. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, I can be okay regardless of my surroundings, there is no wrong anywhere in the universe, etc.) and felt some relief, but several hours later I still have a knot in my chest. Does this mean there more beliefs that I haven't yet identified? Or is it just a result of the momentum of the past couple days?
I would love to reach a place where I am able to calmly and confidently handle these situations where I and others perceive my son(s) to be "acting out". Like I said earlier, I've made great progress on the allowing part, but I would love to feel good while doing so.
As always, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
With love,
Kyla
Dear Kyla,
There may be a limiting belief that you have not considered regarding the socialization of your son. You may have a belief that unless you correct his behavior while he's young, he may continue to act this way throughout his life. This is a limiting belief based on an irrational fear. You want certain things for him, but he has chosen to come here to explore physical reality in his own unique way. When you, his mother, tells him he is wrong, he feels it deeply and he alters his own perception of himself as a result. When you tell him he is right just as he is, you reinforce his positive perception of himself. Other people will make him wrong based on their perception of his behavior, but you don't need to be one of them.
His parents have the most power to influence him toward a positive perception or a less-empowering perception. The influence of others has less of an impact by comparison. You can only control the influence you offer. When you allow him to be as he is being, you are telling him that he is right. When you ask him to behave differently, you are running the risk of telling him he is wrong. It is your choice. You can look at him and believe that his inner guidance will lead him to wherever he wants and needs to go and by doing that you are accepting that he knew what he wanted before he came into this reality.
Conversely, you can believe that you know what is best for him, or that your family knows, or his teachers, or society in general. If you know better than he does from his nonphysical position, then by all means you should replace his guidance system with your own. But if you do that, you'll have to make sure you are always around and can never let him out of your sight.
Realize that he will be shaped by the influence of others. You cannot control that. What you can control is your own fear. It is better for you to feel fear and to experience your own negative emotions (which is your guidance system) than cause him to adopt a weak perception of himself. If you make him wrong, he will think he is wrong.
Let's think about this for a moment. When he is talking like a baby, how is he feeling? If he is feeling good, he is receiving guidance that his actions are inline with who he really is and what he really wants. Would he talk like a baby if he was feeling bad? Maybe. Maybe he is feeling ignored. He is receiving guidance that tells him he is looking at the situation from a limited perspective. The feeling of being ignored is not a good one so he wants to change the outside conditions by getting some attention. He receives inspiration to act because he knows that by talking like a baby or hitting his sibling, he will get the attention he wants and this will relieve his feelings of being ignored.
He is doing what he knows how to do to solve his dilemma. He is altering the conditions on the outside because he hasn't yet learned to use his inner guidance system. You judge his behavior as wrong and you also seek to change the conditions by changing his behavior. Instead of thinking about it, you react to it because you also have not learned to use your inner guidance system. So you take action from a lower-emotional state of being and as a result of your words or actions, you feel even more negative emotion. Guess why that happens? Because you've done something that is not in alignment with who you really are or what you really want. You want a son who has a healthy self-image, yet you've made him wrong and that action does not line up with what you want, so you are given a message in the form of negative emotion.
You must choose the lesser of two evils. You can choose to make your son wrong or you can choose to feel guilty for not correcting his behavior. It will all depend on which feels worse from your perspective. Prior to this conversation, you might have believed that it would feel worse to suffer the scorn of others and their opinions. After reading this and realizing what you are really doing when you make your son wrong, you might think that would be more detrimental.
With all our love, admiration and appreciation,
Joshua
